Tanorexic

Hello, my name is Keila and I'm a Tanorexic. Those of you who know me will know that this is very out of character. I am totally anti-tanning bed and quite frankly anti-heat. The summer is my least favorite time of year and I would gladly clean toilets in the air-conditioned inside rather than do ten minutes of sweat inducing yard work. (note: I actually love gardening, I just have to get up really early to do it). So the idea that I would be an avid sun seeker is as foreign an idea as me willingly standing naked in front of a group of strangers. Really when you think about it, it's not that different. I have happily spent the last week laying on a beach with thousands of strangers wearing not much more than my underwear.
Admittedly, I have lost some weight since the last time I went to the beach. BTW, Mindy, I looked around and couldn't find your shoes anywhere ;-) Still, I hadn't lost enough to justify the wearing of a bikini, and I don't think I ever will. Those days are far behind me. There's still the little matter of stretch marks, after all. So I found myself a super-hot one piece. (Thank you, Lands End for bra-cup sizing!!!) It is in a Grecian style and it's peacock blue, which sets the tan off nicely.
And that brings us back to my original point. I layed and I turned and I burned a little and still I layed some more. I came back from the beach with a tan the likes of which I haven't seen since we covered our high-school selves in baby oil because we didn't know any better. Now I do know better, or so you would think. But still, there I was out there sunning my buns. But now I'm home and things should be getting back to normal. But here's the thing, I don't want to lose the tan. I like my newly golden skin. Who knew I could like my knees so much?!?
I'm not willing to go to the tanning bed or even devote a lot of deck time to maintaining said tan so I suppose the healthiest and best way would be for me to visit my local spray-tan salon. Now I will just have to remember to pay attention when it's time to turn. I don't want four "4"s on the front, after all.

Friday Quickie 5/28

Today is the last day of school for my babies. I am looking forward to being lazy with them this summer. No schedule - no problem. But that will have to wait a few days. Tomorrow we take off for another torture ride road trip.
We evidently lost our minds during the planning stages. We're driving about 14 hours to our lake house in northern Wisconsin, staying a week, then driving 14 hours home. Then two days later turning around and driving 9 hours to the beach for a week, then 9 hours back.
There is no good way to take a road trip without stopping at a convenience store. You need gas and if you're me, you need to pee. A lot. Which brings us to road trip food. My favorites- Combos, Slim Jims, Snickers, Mt. Dew - are all off the menu this year. Totally not going to do that to myself. So it will be 90 calorie granola bars, turkey jerky, and if I'm really lucky, a York peppermint patty and a diet Mt. Dew for me.
Pray for my road rage.

10 Things I Hate About Summer

1. The kids are home, which I actually love, but when my husband goes back to work it seriously cuts into my gym time. And if you think that you can get in a good workout with a hula hoop, some hand weights and a treadmill, well, you've clearly never tried to do it to the tune of "Stop it!" & "I'm telling!".

2. Hot dogs. Or more specifically Bratwurst. There is no such thing as a GOOD turkey bratwurst. They are out there, sure, but we're talking about GOOD here. I'm one of those people that is not real big on substitutions. If I can't have exactly what I want, then I'd just as soon have nothing at all.

3. The heat. Oh, God, the heat. I hate it. I hate the humidity. Heat and humidity are not the big girls friend. And let's not even get into what it does to my hair. I'm not one of those blessed with curly hair and I hate it when those girls bitch about how the humidity makes their hair so big. My hair is flat as a flitter and any humidity just plasters it to my head. Not a good look.

4. Teenage girls. Yes, I used to be one and yes, I probably flaunted it. And to be honest, if I had known how annoying it was to thirty-something women I probably would have still done it. But I really hate all of them with their skinny little waists and perky firm boobs. What do they know? Youth really is waisted on the young.

5. The pool. I think that all women, no matter what size, hate bathing suit season. It is such a cliche, but most universal truths usually are. Even though we all have body issues and we know that no body is perfect we all hate putting on that bathing suit and going out among other people. And yes, we really do judge each other. Any one who says otherwise is a big fat bathing suit liar.

6. Cookouts. This goes back to the hot dogs and bratwurst, but it also goes beyond. It seems that every weekend of the summer is filled with someone or another's cookout. Hot dogs, hamburgers, barbecue, potato salad, pie, ice cream. . .

7. Vacation. Sure vacation has its high points. And most vacations are quite enjoyable, else why would we do it. But it is next to impossible to lose weight on vacation. I can almost always manage to maintain, but losing - not so much.

8. Shorts. I don't care what you say. I can not wear shorts. Even when I was younger/thinner I could not pull off shorts. Which is a shame because I actually have pretty long legs, it's just I have never been able to find a pair of shorts that flattered. And don't get me started on capris.

9. Dog hair. I know this has nothing to do with losing weight and the whatnot, but every year at about this time my do decides to shed. I don't know how he is not bald. In the past few days I have vacuumed up enough hair to make a whole other dog.

10. Beer, wine, and margaritas. I actually love those things and that is the problem. To me it is not summer with out hanging out on my back deck with my friends sharing gossip and a glass of good summer wine or beer or margarita or whatever.

Who knew?!?!?!

Today was the day I had set aside for gardening and unlike most things on my to-do list, I actually did it. Most things do get done, eventually. But today was gardening day and gardening I did. It felt good.
I like gardening. It is very soothing and relaxing and I am one of those weird people who likes to play in the dirt. The one thing gardening is not, though, is easy. It is wicked hard work.
There's the bending and pulling, the lifting and digging. And the walking and carrying - good grief, the carrying. But when you're all done you have a beautiful lush green garden to enjoy.
We do enjoy it, too. My family and I are lucky enough to live on a lush hillside in Appalachia. We can look off our back deck and see nothing but the tree tops below us. Seriously, when the Air Force does fly-bys (which they do here often) they are BELOW us. The view from the back of my house is amazing and the view from the front is only slightly less spectacular. So I try to plant things that enhance all the green we got going on here. I plant lots of cool colors in the pots on my deck because they complement the shady area. And by the front porch I plant hot pink to accent my front door. Plus, I have a butt load several shrubs and perennials that need fertilized and mulched and tended. This year I also planted a climbing rose on the side of the house that I thought would look charming growing up the side of my brick house.
Gardening is also one of those activities that allows you time to think. Actually hear your own thoughts instead of mentally making a grocery list or listening for the dryer to ding out of one ear. Today, as I was sweating carrying 40lb bags of mulch, I got to thinking about gardening as exercise.
Now normally, I don't count my household activities as exercise. I just consider it part of my lifestyle. But the kind of gardening I was doing today was definitely not part of my day to day activities. So I hit google when I came inside and found out (by averaging the results of several different sites) that I could be burning up to 289 calories an hour. Holy Crap! Seriously? Since I was out there for about 2 1/2 - 3 hours I figure I burned about 723 calories. YIKES!
So now I'm wondering a couple of things. Like, how many other calories do we neglect to realize we're burning? And, do you think any of my neighbors need their spring gardening work done?

Rainy Days and Mondays Always Get Me Down

Especially when I have stuff to do! To be fair, I usually love the rain. I love the gray skies and the sound that it makes on my window sills. I love how everything seems to be suspended when it rains. I love how everything seems somehow "greener". I imagine what it would be like to live in Ireland.
But, alas, I'm in good ol' KY and I have a ton of stuff to do before the annual  2 week slog-fest road trip with he fam. This year, like every year, we are taking the kids to the lake house in Wisconsin for the week only to turn around and come home and head out to South Carolina two days after we get back. Yes, i know how ridiculous that sounds, and yes, I am a glutton for punishment. But to be honest, the Hubs and I love a road trip. And yes, taking two kids on that many miles can be a bit of a challenge. But we are all about providing them with future fodder with which to complain about us. "Think you've got it bad? My parents once made me and my brother set in the back seat. Together! For 2000 miles. In one summer!" Ahhh, good times.
So, I am looking forward to vacation, always with a wary eye. But for now things have to be done here at Bushwood. BTW, that's what my husband and I have termed our estate little house on the hill. No, we do not think we are that important, but yes, it is from Caddyshack.
Back to the point. I need to plant all my flowers and shrubs and get them well-established before my sister-in-law comes to house sit. She has promised to water said plants but makes no guarantees on the eventual outcome. I, in turn, have promised to bring her back some really good cheese from Wisconsin but make no guarantee about stinkiness of said cheese.
I also need to get my windows washed and the deck power washed. And the basement needs cleaned out and painted. None of this is being helped by this rain that has decided to settle over the Ohio River Valley for the past 5 days.
Oh, and did I mention that I have set the totally unrealistic goal of losing 15 lbs by the end of May. I know it sounds crazy, and it probably is. But I do have some logical thinking behind it. See I have been in a slump for the last two months. That's right, TWO MONTHS! I have gained and lost the same 2-4 pounds over and over again since Valentine's.  But, I think that I have finally busted through and if I can get a bit of a jump-start I could actually reach a pretty impressive number by vacation.
That is to say, if I could actually get outside and do something. Yes, I have my videos and my treadmill and my gym. But to me nothing is s substitute for a good old fashioned walk. I try to walk 3-4 miles a day 3 days a week. (Plus my regular gym workouts) and now that it's nice out I've added to that with hikes at our local State Park. Love me some hiking. It makes me feel athletic and outdoors-y.
So I guess I'll just be hitting the gym harder and riding the treadmill a little longer and watching the forecast to see when I can actually emerge from this cave. Dramatic, I know.  But you don't understand. It's actually raaaainnninng out there.

Fried Chicken Is Not Considered a Quality Source of Protein?

This is not secret as I think I have mentioned it before. I live in the South. Specifically, Kentucky. And unfortunately most (though certainly not all) of the things you think about when you think "South" are rooted in the truth.
Yes, we say things like "y'all" and "fixin' to". Yes, we love us some big ol' hair. You know, the higher the hair, the closer to Jesus. (by the way that's Jesus with a Y - 'Jay-sus') And besides, the bigger your hair is the smaller your butt looks. Trust us, we know. We still say things like "yes, ma'am" and "no, sir" and "please" and "thank you" and no one thinks you're being excessively polite - except Yankees. On the other hand Southerners have perfected the art of the fake polite. You see when a Southern woman dislikes you, you may never know it until it's too late. We'll slop sugar all over you and say things like "How's your momma been doin'?" or "those are just the cutest shoes!" These things are code for "I've got my eye on you, so don't be trying anything". But when you get the ol' "Well, bless your heart.", especially if it comes with a head tilt - It's too late. The best thing to do is politely excuse yourself and seek cover. That woman surely hates you.
That's not to say that all southern women are just a big ol' bunch of bitches, but we can certainly hold our own. No, in fact, you will never have a truer friend.  When your husband has to work away for a while don't be surprised if your yard just magically gets mowed. When your hound dog gets loose, don't worry. Someone will recognize the mutt and send him home. And if someone that you're even vaguely related to should have the misfortune of dying - expect a casserole promptly at dinner time. Which brings me to my point. Food.
Yes, when you thing Southern you think food. No one ever said, "Ummm, going up North to get me some of that good Northern food." That's ridiculous. The South is famous for it's food the world over and so much of our traditions are steeped in food and/or the preparation of it. You've got tailgating and crawfish boils, church suppers and fried chicken, homemade biscuits and sweet tea, bar-b-que and bourbon,iron skillets and julep cups, cornbread stuffing and Sunday at Mamaws. And Bob knows that there ain't nobody can cook like a Southern Mamaw.
My Mamaw Carolyn could whip up the fluffiest melt-in-your mouth biscuits. Ummmm. Biscuits just ain't been the same since she passed. And you cannot convince a Southern Mamaw that you've had enough to eat.
"No thanks, Mamaw. I believe I'm full."
"La, you didn't hardly eat enough to fill up a bird. Come on now and try some of this. This'll fill you up."
And it's your mamaw and you wouldn't dream of talking back to your mamaw. That's just sass.
So what do you do? How is a person supposed to lose weight when so much of our lives are tied up in food. It's easy for someone to say that you just need to focus on activies where food is not the main attraction. But that's just not the way of life around here. And it's not fair to me, or to my family and friends to exclude myself from situations where I know that I'll be tempted. I just need to have a little stronger will power. Make better choices. Realize that yes, I can have a piece of fried chicken, but only one, and no dessert. Or if I want dessert, then I will have just a bite, and no more. That's really what I'm after anyways. The taste. And wouldn't I rather have a 64 calorie beer when I tailgate than to have no beer at all?
So I guess what I'm saying is that life's all about compromises, y'all. You can have you a biscuit as long as you're fixin' to hit the gym afterwards. And certainly having your hair jacked to Jesus is no harm to nobody. And by all means have you a piece of that peach pie, but now don't you be eyeballin' that pecan pie. BTW a crawfish boil is, funnily enough, one southern tradition NOT steeped in fat and calories. It consists of boiling a big bunch of potatoes and corn and smoked sausage. Then boiling the crawfish (or shrimp if you prefer) in a bunch of spices. Then dump it all out on newspaper and enjoy. As long as you avoid too much of the sausage - Laissez les bons temps rouler!

Product of the Week (or until I find something I like better)

I have found the answer to my summertime ice cream cravings. Del Monte Fruit Chillers frozen fruit sorbet treat. You find them in the grocery store next to the canned fruit and applesauce and crap and they are seriously delicious.
They are little tubes of pureed fruit (2 flavors - strawberry and grape berry) that you put in your freezer and - Ouila! tasty summer frozen treat. They are even kind of good for you. The first ingredient is fruit puree and there is no artificial flavors or corn syrup. Each tube has only 55 calories, 0 fat, 25% of your daily vitamin C intake, and even a gram of fiber (every little bit counts they say. Each tube also counts for 1/2 serving of fruit. Heck for 55 calories you could eat two, have a full serving of fruit, and not feel like crap afterward. Hell, yeah!
OK, so they're not rich creamy full fat ice cream. But they're also not going to make your ass look like rich creamy full fat ice cream either. So go have and extra hard workout and enjoy one of these (or two if you're nasty) little jewels as a reward. Del Monte Fruit Chillers kick serious diet ass.

* for the record these are not strictly "clean eating" but like I said 80/20. And since these have no artificial flavors or sweeteners or corn syrup, I don't think the addition of a tiny amount of food grade dye is going to kill you.

Not Too Bad For You Summer Chicken Salad

1 lb each boneless skinless chicken breast and thighs, grilled (I like the quickness of the George Foreman)
1/4 cup diced white onion
1/2 cup chopped or slivered Almonds
1, 1/2 cup chopped strawberries
1/4 cup low fat mayo
1/2 cup fat free sour cream

Mix together, refrigerate for one hour. If making ahead of time save the strawberries to add at last minute. You could serve this in whole wheat pitas, but I like it just on it's own.
To carry it into the fall substitute red grapes for the strawberries and walnuts or pecans for the almonds.

Sum, Sum, Summertime

Reasons why Summer rocks for the dieter

1. Fresh Vegis from the garden or farmers market.
2. Swimming is considered wonderful aerobic exercise.
3. Likewise walking on the sand gives you a rockin' ass.
4. When it's so hot outside who feels like eating anything heavy.
5. It's way better to feel tired from gardening/playing outside/ swimming with the kids than because you logged an hour on the treadmill.
6.When it's time to hydrate - Iced Tea on the deck.
7. Yes it's hot out, but it stay light until like 9:00, so take a walk in the evening.
8. Fishing build tri-ceps muscles.
9. Fish is totally good for you, and when you catch it yourself it's even more delicious.
10. A fake tan that actually looks good. Neutrogena Spray On Self Tanner. Even coverage, not arrange. Perfect for shorts that I can finally wear.

Summertime Blues

Today is June 2. That means that in my hometown it is the last day of school. I took my kids to school this morning and all the teachers were walking around with a slightly dazed but wondrous look on their faces. Like they couldn't believe they were actually being released from jail. The kids, naturally, were nuts. It was like some deranged zookeeper had fed all the howler monkeys Red Bull. Crazy! But, alas, all I could feel was dread.
Now, don't get me wrong, I am very much looking forward to spending more time with my kids and going on vacation and generally just living easy for the next couple of months. But I can't help but wonder - 'what is all this easy living going to do to my diet?' I hate using the word diet, because I have tried very hard not to be on one. I think that just by putting yourself on a diet you are setting yourself up for failure because eventually you are going to have to go off that diet. But I have used the word here for lack of a better term.
I suppose what I have really accomplished over the last few months is a new way of eating, and living too, I suppose. And, not to pat myself on the back too much, but I'm pretty proud of myself. Sure I have lost weight very (very) slowly. But I have also built more muscle and exercise endurance and I have gotten my body to the point that if I happen to have a glass of wine or a piece of birthday cake, I don't instantly gain five pounds. To me that's pretty awesome. But now I'm wondering, 'Is it all for naught? Is all the hard work I've put in over the past six months going to be lost over a few weeks of laziness?"
Summertime is hard on a diet. It means ice cream on the deck, and hot dogs and hamburgers, and family reunions with grandma's fried chicken, and margaritas by the pool, and the most hated of all summer diet killers - sweet tea. So what's a girl to do?
I am really afraid that the relaxed rules of the summer are going to tempt me to relax the rules of my 'diet' before I've reached my goal. I am used to getting up every morning and getting the kids ready for school then hitting the gym and then doing a 2 mile walk a few times a week to boot. It eventually became part of my schedule and a natural part of my day. I'm worried now that since I will have to make arrangements for my kids so that I can go work out (and to be honest my family and friends have been really supportive in this - but still) I will be tempted just to blow it off. How do I stay motivated when everything around me is screaming at me to take it easy?
As bad as I hate to I guess I'm just going to have to buy a clothes rack so I can start hanging my laundry on something besides my treadmill. Oh, I do hate that thing. Whoever said that the road to hell is paved with good intentions was wrong. The road to hell is on a treadmill!