I did it. I held out for as long as I could. But I just couldn't stay arrow straight anymore. Anyone who has read my blog for more than, say, a minute knows that I have a serious sweet tooth. Like crack addict with some serious DTs sweet tooth. And for about the past two weeks I've had some serious cravings.
At first I thought it was just some PMS hormonal thing and I fed it with 90 calorie granola bars. Good but not great. TOM (time of month) came and went and I had eaten and worked off a whole box of granola bars along with a couple of scoops of fat free sugar free ice cream. Which by the way is not quite tate free, but it's close. And I broke down and had a weight watchers snack cake which was like a semi-chocolate flavored air puff. Nasty.
So today when I was setting here trying to decide what I could smear on a whole wheat tortilla that would be sweet and still not break the bank, so to speak. That's when it hit me. I could either eat my weight in substitutes or I could just break down and feed my body what it had been craving. So I went against everything I have worked so hard for and made a batch of no-bake cookies.
It hit the spot.
Oh, how it hit the spot. I forced myself not to sample while I was making them. I wanted to savor and enjoy them. They finally were ready and I set down with two of them and a big ol' glass of almond milk, which I have come ot like more than the moo kind, and Oprah.
And you know what? I didn't feel a bit guilty. Strange? I don't think so. See, I felt way guiltier eating all those chemically processed nothing foods than I did eating these two little full fat, full sugar treats. And believe it or not, I was completely satified after I was done. Nothing was triggered. Crazy!
So, I'm done with the substitutes. If I want something, I'm gonna have it. Just a bit. And that will, hopefully, make all the difference.
So there you go, blogosphere. I'm fat as hell, and I'm not gonna take it anymore!
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Friday, January 15, 2010
Woe is NOT Me!
Enough feeling sorry for myself. I had a little bit of a pitty party last night. Why can I not lose those four pesky pounds that are keeping me from being below 200 lbs.? There are lots of reasons why I may not be able to lose them, but I have decided not to be so concerned about those reasons. No, I'm not repressing anything. Nothing as Dr. Phil as that. I am simply deciding to focus on the solution rather than the problem.
So what is the solution?
The problem is four pounds. Four little measley pounds. Four pounds are not going to totally derail everything I've accomplished so far. I have a long term goal and a plan to reach it, but what I need now is a short term goal and a plan to reach that.
So here goes. Goal - to lose 4 pounds in two weeks. Plan - gym 4X/ week, 30 minutes heart pumping cardio everyday, 1200 calories/ day, 100+ oz. water/ day, two extra high-intensity classes at gym/ week.
You amy be saying that four pounds in two weeks would be a completely reasonable goal and anybody with even a tiny bit of sense ought to be able to accomplish. Well, true. But it would seem that over the past few weeks I have lost even the tiny bit bit of sense I had. Slowly it is coming back. Slowly, Oh, so slowly.
There it is. In writing. A plan. To follow. We'll see.
So what is the solution?
The problem is four pounds. Four little measley pounds. Four pounds are not going to totally derail everything I've accomplished so far. I have a long term goal and a plan to reach it, but what I need now is a short term goal and a plan to reach that.
So here goes. Goal - to lose 4 pounds in two weeks. Plan - gym 4X/ week, 30 minutes heart pumping cardio everyday, 1200 calories/ day, 100+ oz. water/ day, two extra high-intensity classes at gym/ week.
You amy be saying that four pounds in two weeks would be a completely reasonable goal and anybody with even a tiny bit of sense ought to be able to accomplish. Well, true. But it would seem that over the past few weeks I have lost even the tiny bit bit of sense I had. Slowly it is coming back. Slowly, Oh, so slowly.
There it is. In writing. A plan. To follow. We'll see.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
What the Hell is Wrong With Me?
I have spent the last couple of months trying to maintain my weight - to varying degrees of success. I've finally lost the few (OK, four) pounds I gained over the holidays, but I'm not about to start bitching about that again. Instead I'm going to start bitching about something completely different.
The thing is I've spent so much time maintaining that I can't get back in the groove of losing. At least I thought that was the problem. The thing is, I'm starting to think that that's not it. I think something else may be the culprit. And I think the something else may be me. Now, I try not to take responsibility for much. (wink wink) but I'm thinking this really might be my fault. What I can't figure out is why.
Why don't I want to lose this weight? I've been 204 for the longest time. All I want to do is get below 200 right now and I was actually doing pretty good. So why the stall? And, seriously, I know all about plataus and how it's completely normal. This just doesn't feel like a normal platau. Lord knows I've had enough of those. I'm thinking maybe I'm keeping myself from losing those four pounds.
I read somewhere that you have to give yourself permission to live the life you want. Very Oprah-y, I know. But, what if there's something to all this? What if I really am scared of losing the weight? What is to be scared of?
Well, after giving it some deep bubble-bath induced thought, turns out there is quite a bit to be scared of. I decided to start at the beginning. As in, when was the last time I was under 200 large? Fire up the WayBack Machine for this one, it's been a while. Over 10 years to be exact. When I was a 20 year old college student who just found out she was pregnant. Naturally you gain weight when your pregnant, but it wasn't just the pregnancy that packed on my pounds. When I decided to keep my baby it brought about some - let's say - familial difficulties. I'm not going to go into personal stuff, mainly because I've worked really hard to put some of that behind me. And I am totally not blaiming my family - I'm blaming myself for the way I dealt with it. I ate.
Then I got married. And ate. And bought a house. And ate. And had another baby. And ate some more. Then we built a new house. And I ate and ate and ate. Then I saw a picture of myself at a party. A party where I thought I was looking particularily hot when I left the house. Yeah, not so much. Anyways, I have dealt with all this. Seriously. I've even talked to someone about it professionally. So why is it all coming back up now?
I guess, like bad pennies and Cher, it just does. But, what with the fear? What's holding me back? Am I afraid of going back to a place where all this started? Am I afraid that being in my old body will bring back all those old emotions? Or is it even more random than that? I have never in all my adult life (which started when I became a mother) been an average weight. My husband started dating me when I was waaaaaay thinner. He has loved me at my smallest and at my largest and at every size in between. Surely I'm not afraid that he won't love me if I lose the weight. I know he will. In my head, anyways.
No, I can't seem to put my finger on it. But something is keeping me from losing the four pounds just as surely as something caused me to put on all those others. Hopefully I can power through and lose them anyways. Maybe when I do, it'll be a little clearer. Maybe not. Maybe I've just hit a snag and am being too introspective. Whatever the reason, it's four pounds too many and it's time they hit the bricks. Oprah, are you listening, I give myself the permission to let go of those four pounds and finally live my life below 200.
The thing is I've spent so much time maintaining that I can't get back in the groove of losing. At least I thought that was the problem. The thing is, I'm starting to think that that's not it. I think something else may be the culprit. And I think the something else may be me. Now, I try not to take responsibility for much. (wink wink) but I'm thinking this really might be my fault. What I can't figure out is why.
Why don't I want to lose this weight? I've been 204 for the longest time. All I want to do is get below 200 right now and I was actually doing pretty good. So why the stall? And, seriously, I know all about plataus and how it's completely normal. This just doesn't feel like a normal platau. Lord knows I've had enough of those. I'm thinking maybe I'm keeping myself from losing those four pounds.
I read somewhere that you have to give yourself permission to live the life you want. Very Oprah-y, I know. But, what if there's something to all this? What if I really am scared of losing the weight? What is to be scared of?
Well, after giving it some deep bubble-bath induced thought, turns out there is quite a bit to be scared of. I decided to start at the beginning. As in, when was the last time I was under 200 large? Fire up the WayBack Machine for this one, it's been a while. Over 10 years to be exact. When I was a 20 year old college student who just found out she was pregnant. Naturally you gain weight when your pregnant, but it wasn't just the pregnancy that packed on my pounds. When I decided to keep my baby it brought about some - let's say - familial difficulties. I'm not going to go into personal stuff, mainly because I've worked really hard to put some of that behind me. And I am totally not blaiming my family - I'm blaming myself for the way I dealt with it. I ate.
Then I got married. And ate. And bought a house. And ate. And had another baby. And ate some more. Then we built a new house. And I ate and ate and ate. Then I saw a picture of myself at a party. A party where I thought I was looking particularily hot when I left the house. Yeah, not so much. Anyways, I have dealt with all this. Seriously. I've even talked to someone about it professionally. So why is it all coming back up now?
I guess, like bad pennies and Cher, it just does. But, what with the fear? What's holding me back? Am I afraid of going back to a place where all this started? Am I afraid that being in my old body will bring back all those old emotions? Or is it even more random than that? I have never in all my adult life (which started when I became a mother) been an average weight. My husband started dating me when I was waaaaaay thinner. He has loved me at my smallest and at my largest and at every size in between. Surely I'm not afraid that he won't love me if I lose the weight. I know he will. In my head, anyways.
No, I can't seem to put my finger on it. But something is keeping me from losing the four pounds just as surely as something caused me to put on all those others. Hopefully I can power through and lose them anyways. Maybe when I do, it'll be a little clearer. Maybe not. Maybe I've just hit a snag and am being too introspective. Whatever the reason, it's four pounds too many and it's time they hit the bricks. Oprah, are you listening, I give myself the permission to let go of those four pounds and finally live my life below 200.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
"Is this Russia? . . . This isn't Russia."
Let me start off by saying that it is snowing here in the hills and my kids are going on their fourth snow day after going back for one - that's right, one - day of school after winter break. It's snowing and I'm stuck in the house with two adorably sweet but bored and cranky kids. My husband is, of course, out of town.
As if all that weren't enough the cold is making me crave . . .dun dun dun . . . CARBS. Now, I'm not one of those crazy Adkins crazies who swear of all semblance of carbohydrates in favor of animal by-products. But I do try to take a sensible path of carb limitations. I enjoy whole grain breads and whole wheat pasta and I like fruit and sweet potatoes way to much to go cold-turkey. But, sadly, what I'm craving is Aunt Jemima's buttermilk pancakes and/or mashed potatoes. Maybe even a big hunl of pound cake. As if I didn't do enough carby damage over the holidays.
Now here comes the snow and I'm contemplating building a fire in the fireplace. Which of course leads to. . . hot cocoa. I guess it wouldn't be so bad had I actually chopped the wood and hauled it up the hill from the woodpile. But I think we all know that didn't happen.
My question is this. Why does the cold weather lead to natural carb cravings. Is it a comfort food thing that makes us think of when we were kids and would stare eagerly at the (considerable smaller that today's) TV just waiting for the "No school today in___" to flash across the screen. Or is it deeper than that? Are we all just cavemen at heart. Fattening up for the long winter ahead? Is this why all the Russian steriotypes focus on Borsht and Vodka? Surely no body freezes to death in Russia nowadays. Boredom, maybe. But hypothermia? OK, OK, I know I'm being culterally insensitve, but carbs are about to get me and I have to blame someone. And who can we as Americans blame if not the Russians?
I have firm resolve not to let it end badly. I mean, this snow is supposed to last for days. I can't hole up and hibernate - much as I may want to. So, I'm thinking, in the spirit of the end of the Berlin Wall, a compromise is in order. Perhaps a cup of hot cocoa in front of the fire would not be so terrible if I log a few extra miles on the treddy. Plus I have my Wii fit which I love, and my Walk Away the Pounds, and most exciting my new Valerie Bertinelli DVD which came by UPS today. (more on that - the DVD, not UPS - later) I'm having somewhat of a girl crush going on with Valerie right now. Alright, so I'm firing up the DVD player right now. Hot cocoa, here I come. Pancakes, perhaps another day. Like after a marathon or something.
As if all that weren't enough the cold is making me crave . . .dun dun dun . . . CARBS. Now, I'm not one of those crazy Adkins crazies who swear of all semblance of carbohydrates in favor of animal by-products. But I do try to take a sensible path of carb limitations. I enjoy whole grain breads and whole wheat pasta and I like fruit and sweet potatoes way to much to go cold-turkey. But, sadly, what I'm craving is Aunt Jemima's buttermilk pancakes and/or mashed potatoes. Maybe even a big hunl of pound cake. As if I didn't do enough carby damage over the holidays.
Now here comes the snow and I'm contemplating building a fire in the fireplace. Which of course leads to. . . hot cocoa. I guess it wouldn't be so bad had I actually chopped the wood and hauled it up the hill from the woodpile. But I think we all know that didn't happen.
My question is this. Why does the cold weather lead to natural carb cravings. Is it a comfort food thing that makes us think of when we were kids and would stare eagerly at the (considerable smaller that today's) TV just waiting for the "No school today in___" to flash across the screen. Or is it deeper than that? Are we all just cavemen at heart. Fattening up for the long winter ahead? Is this why all the Russian steriotypes focus on Borsht and Vodka? Surely no body freezes to death in Russia nowadays. Boredom, maybe. But hypothermia? OK, OK, I know I'm being culterally insensitve, but carbs are about to get me and I have to blame someone. And who can we as Americans blame if not the Russians?
I have firm resolve not to let it end badly. I mean, this snow is supposed to last for days. I can't hole up and hibernate - much as I may want to. So, I'm thinking, in the spirit of the end of the Berlin Wall, a compromise is in order. Perhaps a cup of hot cocoa in front of the fire would not be so terrible if I log a few extra miles on the treddy. Plus I have my Wii fit which I love, and my Walk Away the Pounds, and most exciting my new Valerie Bertinelli DVD which came by UPS today. (more on that - the DVD, not UPS - later) I'm having somewhat of a girl crush going on with Valerie right now. Alright, so I'm firing up the DVD player right now. Hot cocoa, here I come. Pancakes, perhaps another day. Like after a marathon or something.
Monday, January 4, 2010
2009 Year In Review
There it goes. Another year in the books. And turns out my grannie really was right. I really shouldn't have been in such a hurry to grow up, time does indeed go faster. I thought that since this was my first whole year in my weight loss hell journey, it might be beneficial to go over my progress. Kind of a performance review, if you will. I don't really have one of those nine-to-fives so I'm not real up to date on the proper procedure for such a thing. But here goes.
On the up-side I've lost 30+ pounds in 2009. Not exactly setting the world on fire, I know, but still respectable and definately more than I've ever been able to lose before. And more importantly I've managed to more or less keep it off.
I'm proud of the fact that I have lost this weight with good old fashioned diet and exercise. And when I say diet, I don't mean any kind of gimmick. For me it has been more of a change in eating habits all together. It took a while but I seem to have finally found a way to eat in a healthy way that allows me to still eat my favorite foods (within reason) and lose weight. My exercise hasn't been to shabby either. I work out at Curves at least 3 times a week. (I have recently settled on a Mon., Tue., Thur., Fri. schedule). I like the workout Curves gives me because it combines strength training with cardio in an efficiant 30 min. workout that is designed just for women. I also try to get in 30 extra minutes of cardio every day. Some days I'm more successful than others, but I'm trying. I also love DVDs. My favorite is Leslie Sansone's Walk Away the Pounds. I have used this DVD on many a snow day when I couldn't get to the gym.
Something else I'm extremely proud of the fact that -due to said workouts- my arms kind of rock. Yes there's still a little jiggle in the hated bingo-wing area, but there is FINALLY definition. Did you here me, world? I am way over half-way there to sexy arms. Do you have your tickets to the gun show?
And another unexpected, but just as delightful benefit has been that due to my improved eating habits (read: more fruits and vegis, less sugar and fat and white flour. plus a good multi and fish oil caplets) my skin has never been clearer. I mean, I know that we are what we eat and all that, but had I known how dramatically my new lifestyle would effect my appearance, and not just my waist line, I would have gone with it MUCH sooner. Yes, I really am that vain. I mean, I am the girl that never smoked, not so much out of health concerns, but because it causes premature wrinkling and stinky hair. Seriously.
And now for the bad stuff. Yes, I know. But even I couldn't toot my own horn for very long.
The worst is that there have been plenty of times this past year when I could have done better. Not vacations or holidays or anything like that, just everyday old slacking off times that I totally could have done better. Yes, I know setbacks happen and when there is a perfectly good reason for a setback I can accept it a little better. But what I'm talking about is times when I just simply did not do my best. And that pisses me off. It is, as my dad would say, NOT ACCEPTABLE!
And speaking of setbacks, there have been a few.
Summer vaction didn't exactly get me down, but a 3,200 mile, 44 total driving hours, road trip to the great NorthWoods didn't exactly do me any good. For the first thing, I was away from home for 2 1/2 weeks. Away from the gym. Eating out. On the road. Get it? But on the other hand, I managed to squeeze in a decent amount of physical exercise like hiking, walking, and canoeing.
Also this was the year that my husband "Rocked the Stadium of my Heart." (lame, I know, but too cheesy to pass up) We went to the Kentucky State Fair (read: corn dogs and beer) to see Heart and Journey. Awesome show and not too bad as far as food consumption went. I mean, we were at the actual fair for less than 4 hours. Then there was my 30th birthday trip to Oklahoma to see The Black Eyed Peas and U2. That's right, baby, U2!!! Yes the show was AMAZING!!! Thank you, thank you to my wonderful husband for the best birthday gift ever. My ass, however wasn't quite so thankful for the Oklahoma beef steaks and ribs and, well, you get the idea. Not to mention the little French pattisserie located next to our hotel. I know, right, authentic French pastries in Oklahoma City! I was surprised too.
Then there was the holidays. Cue the ominous theater music here. Technically it wasn't the actuall holidays that did me in. I cruised through Thanksgiving (my favorite holiday) and even amanaged to lose a couple of pounds that week. Then there was Christmas. Cookies and fudge and parties and girls night and family get togethers with three different families and ham and biscuits and bread pudding and egg nog. And through all of that I didn't gain a single pound. True, I definately didn't lose any either, but I didn't gain any. Not one. Shew, what a sigh of relief. Whoa there, not so fast, girl! It happened during the week between Christmas and New Years. I gained 4 lbs. What the hell? Did PMS come early this week, I wondered? Not so much. Nothing more complicated than me letting my guard down. The left-overs got me. Did I mention how much that pisses me off.
So now it's a week later and I've almost lost the holiday weight. Only one more pound to go. The snow is piling up outside right now, but none of it can get me down. If I'm stuck at home, I'll just break out my DVDs and, Oh yeah, Wii Fit. Love that stuff.
I guess I haven't done all that I could have done in the past year, but I think that I have lost a realistic amount of weight living a realistic lifestyle. I mean, sure if I wanted to go all Biggest Loser and eat 1600 calories a day while burning off 6000, then yeah I could totally have lost more weight. I'm confident thought that the weight I have lost will stay off. I know this because of my daily weigh in. Yeah I know what they say. It'll drive you crazy. But I have found it very helpful. I have been able to monitor what works and doesn't work from day to day and I'm able to quickly shave off any extra LBs before it gets out of control. I would like to eventually get to a point when I reach my goal weight where I can weigh myself once a week, but for now I'm OK with being a little OCD.
So, 2009, goodbye. You've been a good one. We had our ups and downs but all in all I can't say too much bad about ya'. And, 2010, how you doin'?
On the up-side I've lost 30+ pounds in 2009. Not exactly setting the world on fire, I know, but still respectable and definately more than I've ever been able to lose before. And more importantly I've managed to more or less keep it off.
I'm proud of the fact that I have lost this weight with good old fashioned diet and exercise. And when I say diet, I don't mean any kind of gimmick. For me it has been more of a change in eating habits all together. It took a while but I seem to have finally found a way to eat in a healthy way that allows me to still eat my favorite foods (within reason) and lose weight. My exercise hasn't been to shabby either. I work out at Curves at least 3 times a week. (I have recently settled on a Mon., Tue., Thur., Fri. schedule). I like the workout Curves gives me because it combines strength training with cardio in an efficiant 30 min. workout that is designed just for women. I also try to get in 30 extra minutes of cardio every day. Some days I'm more successful than others, but I'm trying. I also love DVDs. My favorite is Leslie Sansone's Walk Away the Pounds. I have used this DVD on many a snow day when I couldn't get to the gym.
Something else I'm extremely proud of the fact that -due to said workouts- my arms kind of rock. Yes there's still a little jiggle in the hated bingo-wing area, but there is FINALLY definition. Did you here me, world? I am way over half-way there to sexy arms. Do you have your tickets to the gun show?
And another unexpected, but just as delightful benefit has been that due to my improved eating habits (read: more fruits and vegis, less sugar and fat and white flour. plus a good multi and fish oil caplets) my skin has never been clearer. I mean, I know that we are what we eat and all that, but had I known how dramatically my new lifestyle would effect my appearance, and not just my waist line, I would have gone with it MUCH sooner. Yes, I really am that vain. I mean, I am the girl that never smoked, not so much out of health concerns, but because it causes premature wrinkling and stinky hair. Seriously.
And now for the bad stuff. Yes, I know. But even I couldn't toot my own horn for very long.
The worst is that there have been plenty of times this past year when I could have done better. Not vacations or holidays or anything like that, just everyday old slacking off times that I totally could have done better. Yes, I know setbacks happen and when there is a perfectly good reason for a setback I can accept it a little better. But what I'm talking about is times when I just simply did not do my best. And that pisses me off. It is, as my dad would say, NOT ACCEPTABLE!
And speaking of setbacks, there have been a few.
Summer vaction didn't exactly get me down, but a 3,200 mile, 44 total driving hours, road trip to the great NorthWoods didn't exactly do me any good. For the first thing, I was away from home for 2 1/2 weeks. Away from the gym. Eating out. On the road. Get it? But on the other hand, I managed to squeeze in a decent amount of physical exercise like hiking, walking, and canoeing.
Also this was the year that my husband "Rocked the Stadium of my Heart." (lame, I know, but too cheesy to pass up) We went to the Kentucky State Fair (read: corn dogs and beer) to see Heart and Journey. Awesome show and not too bad as far as food consumption went. I mean, we were at the actual fair for less than 4 hours. Then there was my 30th birthday trip to Oklahoma to see The Black Eyed Peas and U2. That's right, baby, U2!!! Yes the show was AMAZING!!! Thank you, thank you to my wonderful husband for the best birthday gift ever. My ass, however wasn't quite so thankful for the Oklahoma beef steaks and ribs and, well, you get the idea. Not to mention the little French pattisserie located next to our hotel. I know, right, authentic French pastries in Oklahoma City! I was surprised too.
Then there was the holidays. Cue the ominous theater music here. Technically it wasn't the actuall holidays that did me in. I cruised through Thanksgiving (my favorite holiday) and even amanaged to lose a couple of pounds that week. Then there was Christmas. Cookies and fudge and parties and girls night and family get togethers with three different families and ham and biscuits and bread pudding and egg nog. And through all of that I didn't gain a single pound. True, I definately didn't lose any either, but I didn't gain any. Not one. Shew, what a sigh of relief. Whoa there, not so fast, girl! It happened during the week between Christmas and New Years. I gained 4 lbs. What the hell? Did PMS come early this week, I wondered? Not so much. Nothing more complicated than me letting my guard down. The left-overs got me. Did I mention how much that pisses me off.
So now it's a week later and I've almost lost the holiday weight. Only one more pound to go. The snow is piling up outside right now, but none of it can get me down. If I'm stuck at home, I'll just break out my DVDs and, Oh yeah, Wii Fit. Love that stuff.
I guess I haven't done all that I could have done in the past year, but I think that I have lost a realistic amount of weight living a realistic lifestyle. I mean, sure if I wanted to go all Biggest Loser and eat 1600 calories a day while burning off 6000, then yeah I could totally have lost more weight. I'm confident thought that the weight I have lost will stay off. I know this because of my daily weigh in. Yeah I know what they say. It'll drive you crazy. But I have found it very helpful. I have been able to monitor what works and doesn't work from day to day and I'm able to quickly shave off any extra LBs before it gets out of control. I would like to eventually get to a point when I reach my goal weight where I can weigh myself once a week, but for now I'm OK with being a little OCD.
So, 2009, goodbye. You've been a good one. We had our ups and downs but all in all I can't say too much bad about ya'. And, 2010, how you doin'?
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