Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Things That Never Were, and Never Will Be

Recently I wrote about how being bigger kept me from doing things that I really wanted to do. I was so ashamed of being fat that I wouldn't let myself have fun. I am trying to overcome that and am accomplishing it, to varying degrees of success. What I have learned, though, is that there is a flip side to this.
So many of us have the mindset that "things will be better when". You know, when we get married, when we have a baby, when I have more money, or in my case- when I am skinny. Well, I have recently come to the conclusion that I will never be skinny. And shockingly enough, it's OK. Even if I were things would not magically become "better" and I don't know why I thought they would. The realization is strangely freeing.
This has led me to think of other things that I have always wanted. Things that I never had any chance of getting. Things that I was too focused on having that I lost sight of the things in my life that are truly worthy of my time.
  1. I will never be a Rock Star. I know you're shocked, but seriously. I have spent an embarrasing amount of time thinking that I was cheated of my destiny by not being able to sing. I can't even bellow. Truly. Which is tragic considering that I am an afficianado of Rock and Roll. Unfortunately, being thinner will not magically transform my vocal cords into sounding like Anne Wilson.
  2. Being thinner will not make me a better mother. This one's tricky because while it is true that being in better health will allow me to have more energy to spend on my family, it does not guarantee that I will like it. Now please, don't get me wrong, I love my kids more than anything in this world. But being skinny is not going to make me like the school fund-raiser any better. I'm just not that kind of mini-van driving, PTA volunteering, T-ball practice carpooling, kind of mom. Thank Bob for those moms. But I'm more of a social-commentating, tree-hugging, be sure to read your banned books, kind of mom. Being skinny ain't going to change that. I'll just look better in the "Kill Whitey" T shirt.
  3. I will never ever ever like exercise. I used to think that I didn't enjoy exercise because I was fat. I now know that I do not like exercise because it sucks. I still look in wonder at those fit and fabulous women who get off on the exercise endorphans and seem to glow rather than sweat. And it is true that I always feel better after I exercise. But I also always feel better after an ice cream sundae, so I'm thinking that's not the best argument for me. I exercise because my body needs it just like oxygen and broccoli and smutty paperbacks.
  4. I am never going to be neat. Not neat as in cool. Neat as in well organized and clean. I am basically a clean person. I don't like dirty dishes or clothes laying around. I vacume regularly because I don't like dog hair all over everything. And I make my kids keep their rooms and play room clean because, frankly, no one ever made me do that and that's how I got this way. What I am not, is organized. I am a magazine junkie and I have them in every room of the house. I read like a fiend all different types of books and all of those tomes, combined with those of my husband and kids, combine to form a library that would make an old school librarian blush. Being thin is certainly not going to change any of that. If only.
  5. I will never climb Mt. Everest. Mostly for the simple fact that I don't want to, but that's hardly the point. I always thought that when I lost weight I would want to go on all of these adventures. And I still do. I just no longer feel like I have to prove anything to anyone. I don't need the status of climbing a mountain or hiking the full length of the Appalachian Trail. What I would like to do is do a couple of day hikes and still have enough energy to enjoy the spa back at the hotel. I want to go to Ireland and be able to enjoy Dublin and the Irish countryside with out feeling like I need a vacation from my vacation. And I want to. . .well, there's lots of things I want to do, but I won't neccessarily be waiting until I lose weight to do them. I'm alive now and I intend to live while I can.
So there you go. those are the things that I will never be or have or do. And because I have let go of those unrealistic goals I have been able to spend more time focusing on the things that I can have. I will be planning a vacation to the beach this summer with my kids where I will be wearing a bathing suit, not without some apprehension, but still. I will be playing a lot of Beatles Rock Band in the comfort of my own living room. Afterall, if I can't play the drums at least as well as Ringo, then i shouldn't be allowed to have Rock and Roll Dreams. And I even think that, if I can finagle the budget around just a bit, I will be hiring that cleaning lady.
 Hey, don't judge me. Those that can't cook eat out. Those that can't clean hire a cleaning lady. And the best part is that I can trudge to the gym and when I get back my house will be neat.