Monday, August 3, 2009

Fat Girl Skinny Jeans

Today it happened. I had heard something like this could be possible if one was willing to put forth the effort. I had never been too sure. But today - today it happened. I fit into a smaller size jeans.
Not just any jeans, the smallest sized jeans the big girl store makes. Now, here's where it gets a little confusing. Lane Bryant, my big girl store of choice, used to size everything in the traditional 14/16, 18/20, 22/24 and so on and so forth. At the time I wore a 18/20. Occasionally I could squeeze into a 16, if it was independantly sized and I didn't care about breathing. But then they had to go change it. And confuse the hell out of it along the way.
Now instead of soul crushing 16s and 18s and even 20 somethings on our tags we are greeted by 1, 2, 3, & 4 up to 7. This is evidently supposed to delude us into thinking that we are smaller than we actually are. Does it work? Of course it does! Never in my adult life have I been a 3. Once in ninth grade I got into a 5, but I had mono. I usually hovered around a 10/12 in high school. I reached my body nirvana my freshman year of college. Instead of gaining the freshman 15, I actually managed to lose it. I know, I hated me too. My point is that I had never been a 3 and now I was one at my heaviest I had ever been in my life.
But before you get too excited it's important to know that you can't just be a 1 or a 2 or even a 7. You have to know if you are a yellow, red, or blue. What the hell is this, kindergarten? I mean seriously, what difference can it make? Evidently I was wrong yet again and it makes a big fat difference - so to speak.
Plus sized jeans designers, formerly the mom-jeans queens, have apparently woken up to the fact that the average American woman wears a size 14. Never mind what this says about the state of American health, but what does it say about the bottom dollar? It only took them, like a million years to figure out that just because a woman is big doesn't mean she wants to dress like a grandma. And no woman's body is built like any other woman's body. They call their new sizing system Right Fit for obvious reasons. It begs the question - what took you so long? And BTW, no self-respecting grandma of mine would be caught dead in a mom jean. My mamaw can rock a boot cut like nobody's business. She does, however, draw the line at low-cut. She is a grandma after all.
But back to the point hand. Yellows are for the ladies with minimal curves. The proverbial rectangles. No ass whatsoever. Clearly, these jeans are not for me.
Next is the Reds. These are the average, middle of the road, most women fit these, catagory. Also, not me
No, I fall into the Blue catagory. Blues are for the girls with the big ol' bidonka-donks. A little junk in the trunk. I like big butts and I cannot lie . . . you get the idea. Yes, I wear the Blue. The curviest jeans that the curvy girl store makes. When they implemented this change I morphed from 18/20 into Blue 3. And that was fine with me. At the time.
Then we decided we were going to Vegas and I decided to lose a few. Like 10 or 15 pounds off my big ass was going to make a big difference. Although it was a high point of my life when I was mistaken for Ann Wilson in the MGM casino. Heart was playing the next night and Ihad recently dyed my hair black with red streaks, so it was not an unreasonable comparason. Still I was excited.
But then it got to be serious. I was going to be turning 30. Something had to be done. And it was. As you know I have been going at it diligently for nine months now. And my size 2 jeans (I just like to say it out loud. Size 2!) were getting a little loose. Can you imagine?
So today I was at Lane Bryant and saw these jeans. I had my kids with me so I couldn't really try anything on, but still I had a coupon and I couldn't pass them up. So I bought them and brought them home with the full expectation of trying them on in the privacy of my own bathroom and taking them right back to the store tomorrow. But lo and behold, they fit. And not just fit, they really fit. I could breath and everything. And the best part is they are a . . . drumroll please . . . size 1. Whoo hooo!!!! Look at me go. I am one size away from NOT having that dreaded W behind the size on my clothes.
So as it stands now, I am at the 214/215 (depending on the day) pound mark. My birhtday is in exactly three months. I would like to be below 200 by then. A point I have not been since before my first child was born. Never mind that I was way below 200 at 145, but that's another story. I have made peace with the fact that I will never be 145 again. But I can guaran - damn - tee you that I will not be in the big girl jeans again. We finally got rid of one W now it's time for me to shed another.

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