Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Why Celebrity Fat Matters More Than My Fat

Is it just me, or is Jessica Simpson just a little more likable now that she's 'fat'. By fat I mean that she's not a size double negative zero, which in Hollywood we know is the standard. The news (ok ok, it was E! News, but still) recently reported that J. Simps. had ballooned up to a size 8 (AAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!) and may be headed towards a size 10. A size 10, as you know, enters into that dangerous world of double digits that Hollywood insiders speak of in whispers the same way your grandma says the word sex. They theorize that all of this may have come about due to the stress of her switching from pop singer to country western. But I have a slightly different theory. I think that she's not 'fat' because of country music - I think she went to country music because it's slightly more acceptable to be 'fat'. But that's just my opinion.
However, back to the original point, I think that Miss Simpson's 'fatness' just makes her seem more human. More like one of us. I will admit that back in the Nick and Jessica days (and pretty much any time since then) I was not a fan of J.Simps. To be honest, I hated her. I feel like there are times that when she opens her mouth to say something the whole world gets just a little bit dumber. One of my friends, who is a huge fan, would defend her and say that the ditzyness was just an act. Sorry no dice. Even if I believed that Simpson was a secret Lois Lane, which I don't, it just makes it worse that she would choose to be a dumb blonde - thereby making women everywhere seem a little less valuable.
Though admittedly, Miss Simpson has been blessed. Cute, semi-talented husband. Relatively successfull career. Beautiful golden Barbie hair and (allegedly real) perfect D-cups. A cute and quirky sister and the cutest little nephew ever. Not to mention the smokin' hot and decidedly more talented boyfriend, Tony Romo. You go girl! But now there's a little tarnish on her golden shine. I think, 'Hey, this girl's got problem's too.' And I like that. It probably doesn't make me like her anymore than I ever did. But I will at least cringe a little on her behalf when the 'press' calls her fat.
Because, honey, I know from fat. At her fattest, which was evidently that photo on every magazine cover of Simpson performing wearing a pair of extremely tight, extremely high waisted denim trousers and a tank top (BTW, Jess, what the hell. Did you honestly think that was a good look for anyone other than the Olson sisters?) she doesn't weigh in anywhere near what I would consider my goal weight.
If I were, by some miracle if the grapefruit diet and a tapeworm, to manage to get to the point that Jessica Simpson is at now I would be labeled all over my home town as 'sickly' "What happened to her?" they would ask themselves and each other after I had left. Because gossip is the favorite recreation in the south after all. "She's fallen off real bad." "She couldn't have done that natural." "Bet she's on pills or somethin'." "Probably." They would all agree and I would be placed on every prayer chain this side of the Ohio River. But I don't live in Hollywood. Thank God. I could maybe do New York, but L.A. - no thank you.
And Jessica Simpson doesn't live in Appalachia, another Thank God, and I do. If she did, she wouldn't have to worry about her weight. She would be dubbed right skinny and that would no doubt feed her need for constant validation and she would be very happy indeed. But alas she can't come. No offense, Jess, but I have enough problems of my own without having to compare myself to you. No I think I like Simpson exactly where she is. Out west in la la land where I can consider her a celeb and therefore exempt from the normal rules of society. And I like her a little on the chunky side.

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