Monday, June 21, 2010

Temporary Insanity Due to Hormonal Imbalance

Today I lost my mind.
But I am not worried. Much. You see it happens every month around the same time. In fact you could set your watch by it. I probably have the most regular menstrual cycle in the free freakin' world. Every 28 days. Around mid-day. No kidding. You can't make this crap up. Who would want to?!? And I'm not on the pill.
Now I know that it may not me the most lady-like subject to discuss, (ironic, no?) but despite all evidence of extreme regularness- I seem to have a bit of period craziness going on.

You see, on the second day of my cycle I lose my mind. Again, seriously. I have been known to drive 30 minutes out of my way. Before I even realized it. Or go on buying binges for clothes that I didn't even check the sizes on, much less bothered to try on. I've gotten the kids up and dressed for school before one of them became awake enough to remind me, "Uh, Mom? It's spring break." And always, every freakin' month, I go on a crazy lady eating binge.
Everyone has times when you eat something that you know you probably shouldn't and you look at it, weigh your options, commit to the extra cardio, and go for it anyway. I'm not talking about that.  I'm talking about me eating hot dogs for supper. Something I would never otherwise consider worth the calories. Two of them. Plus a bowl of cherries, which in and of itself wouldn't be so bad. But I followed it all up with a Little Debbie Oatmeal Cream Pie. Are you kidding me? Little Freakin' Debbie? I blew it all on hot dogs and Little Debbies? WTF? I won't even go into the Hostess Ho Ho incident of 1996. Suffice it to say I can't even have them in the house for fear of a relapse.
The truly disturbing thing is that I didn't even consider what I was doing while I was doing it. There was never a moment of, "maybe this isn't the best thing for me to be eating it" I didn't even give myself the courtesy of trying to lie to myself or make excuses for why I "needed" that junk. I'm not entirely sure yet if that's a good thing or bad. I mean, there could have been a huge-ass chocolate cake on the counter and I might have eaten the whole thing and been wiping crumbs off my shirt before I thought to ask myself if cake was really what I wanted.
Usually I try to plan ahead for "Day 2" as my husband calls it. He doesn't avoid the PMS, like most husbands. PMS really isn't a problem for me. But he is aware that on Day 2 he's going to have to follow me around like a newly-sprung mental patient because I'm as likely to give all our money away to buy back-packs for homeless orphans of circus freaks or some other such bull shit as I am to eat a whole box of saltines. However, Hubby is not here. He is on the boat. Just like he is every other month. Lucky bastard!
That is why I cannot make, nor keep, any appointments on the third Monday of every even-numbered month. Besides, I would be too busy eating pickles, or 14 scrambled eggs, or just toast - all day.
All I can say is that it is a good thing that it only lasts one day. I suppose one day is not going to kill me. Provided that I don't suddenly develop a craving for rat poison or something. I can always go on super-detox tomorrow. My usual "day after" eating plan includes yogurt, whole grains, and fresh vegis. I actually do this for a couple days along with a bit of extra cardio. In this way I have managed not to gain like 1,000 pounds following my King Henry VIII at the banquet days.
"After all, tomorrow is another day. . ."


  1. Forgive me for laughing and I know Day 2 is probably a little scary for you and your children, I sometimes feel like Day 2 for Days 3-6! I sometimes worry about my stepchildren during that time of my life. I empathize!!

  2. Ahh, I did that with an entire sleeve of Thin Mints last winter. In one sitting. Then I reached for the box of Caramel Delites and changed into pants with an elastic waistband.