Shapewear

The Today Show had a segment this morning featuring shapewear and how one can use it to look like one has lost up to ten pounds. They, of course, trotted out some relatively small women to show how shapewear works for every body type yada, yada, yada. They shared this info with us poor uninformed unsupported citizens like they had cracked the code on the cure for cancer.
Pu-leaze! I grew up in the south; with a baptist grandmother, no less. I know from Lycra. Remember that scene from Steel Magnolia's? (You know you do) The one where Truvy (Dolly Parton) and Clairee (Olympia Dukakis) are discussing poor unsuspecting Janice Van Meter and her unfortunate choice of clothing.

Truvy: Clairee, you know I'd as soon walk on my lips as to criticize; but Janice Van Meter. . .
Clairee: I know. Looks like two pigs fightin' under a blanket!
             I bet you she's paid $500 for that dress and hasn't bothered to put on a girdle.
Truvy: I haven't left the house without Lycra on these thighs since I was 14.
Clairee: Honey, you were raised right.
Speaking of Lycra, just how exactly did Dolly keep those famous boobs of hers from taking over the movie? Just sayin'.
I think of those two pigs fighting under a blanket every time I get dressed in more than my gym clothes. I love, love, love me some Spanx! And they are so comfortable you can wear them under anything. They are definitely not your grandmother's girdle.
Plus there are so many different varieties out there that there truly is something for everyone. Shapewear isn't just about making you look thinner. It's about smoothing out those bumps and lumps that everyone has to make your clothes lay better. Think about that poor little Glee girl at the SAG awards. Nobody wants to see the outline of your belly button in a satin evening gown. Obviously most of us aren't going to be wearing evening gowns, satin or otherwise, but the same rules apply to belly buttons, muffin tops, love handles, and the like.
So please, people, go get thyselves some shapewear. It doesn't matter what size you are, no one wants to see your back fat.
 

Tae-Bo Newbie

See how happy everybody is to be doing Tae-Bo?
I don't look like that.

Anybody out there done Tae-Bo recently? Did you survive? Barely?
Yeah, I understand.
I went into my Curve's gym this morning expecting an unassuming yet thorough workout. Boy was I wrong.  Evidently since we are involved in a club-wide Biggest Loser challenge our owner/trainer thought it was a good idea to do a little . . . extra.
I'll say!
Now, I will be the first to admit that I have been in serious need of a little kick in the pants. My exercise has been OK, and my eating has been horrible. So perhaps I had this coming.
But, Oh. My. God. Hardest workout ever. It seriously kicked my ass.
I just got home and I'm in serious need of a shower. I'm dreading it though because I know I'm going to have to lift my arms over my head to peel my sweaty shirt off.
We shall see how this goes. If I don't drop dead, I'll let you know how it goes.

Here's a survey that's been making the blog rounds. While I normally don't do these types of things (I totally look at other people's, though) I thought it might be a good idea to let people know just exactly why I am so weird. So here goes. . .

Age: 31




Bed size: Queen


Chore you hate: folding the laundry :(


Dogs: 2  Blitz, German Shorthaired Pointer and Tater, Basset Hound


Essential start of your day: Yogi tea and a workout


Fave color: Depends.


Gold or silver: Silver



Height: 5'5"


Instruments I play: Does the radio count. . .?


Job title: Mom, Wife, Rockstar (OK, so that one's just in my head, but still)


Kids: 2 Peanut, 11 and Bubbo, 7


Live: Eastern Kentucky


Mom’s name: Tyannia (pronounced Tonya - don't ask)


Nicknames: my name is Keila - figure it out. Taquilla, Killer, and a few others that I do my best not to say :)


Overnight hospital stays: just when I had my babies


Pet peeve: people who say "in other words", question talkers, call waiting


Quote from a movie: I usually have one for any situation, but I've found that one is usually pretty good for most situations. "My advice to you is to start drinking heavily."

Right or left handed: Right



Siblings: 1 brother


Time you wake up: 6:45 on school days, usually before 8:00 otherwise


Underwear: yes, please


Veg you dislike: cucumbers


What makes you run late: kids!


X-rays you have had done: Teeth, Chest, Ankle, Foot, Foot, Foot


Yummy food you make: Biscuits!


Zoo Animal, favorite: Tigers

So, some of these are pretty far fetched. Underwear? Seriously? Maybe I'll just have to make my own ABC's. We'll see.

Why I Eat

So it seems that I may finally be back on track with my workouts which is a good thing. Bad news? My eating is still not so good. I admit this.
It has been suggested to me that I should probably look into the reasons WHY I eat. So I have. I have looked and looked and looked. Turns out that I eat because . . . wait for it . . . I like it. I like the way it tastes and smells and I like cooking it and reading about it. In short, food is awesome. Groundbreaking, I know.
See, they say; and by they I mean the endless diet and nutrition experts who go on ad nauseum about this kind of thing; that one whould never eat for reasons other than hunger and nutrition. Ummmm, yeah, about that. . .
I'm going rogue!
Saying that I will only ever eat when I'm hungry is like saying that I'm only ever going to have sex for procreation. For the record I don't think I've ever had sex for the express purpose of procreation. And I have two kids. Just sayin'.
It's not realistic, OK. What is the point of having a long healthful life if I can take no joy out of it?
Yes, I know I need to make better eating choices. Understood. My problem is in finding the balance.
Of course I still want the chocolate cake. Who doesn't? But I guess I just need to fit more brocoli into my diet in order to make the chocolate cakes of the world not so tragic. Outrageous concept, right?
Now the trick is learning to like eating more brocoli.

Is She or Isn't She?

It happened to me the other day.
At the grocery store.
By two dudes, no less.
The question, whispered betwixt them, was, "Is she pregnant?"
GASP!
The answer, of course, is "Ummm. . .NO!"
Not for a while now. Sure, I'm still carrying around some (a lot) of baby weight.
OK, maybe that's not such a valid excuse anymore, since my "baby" is busy planning his eighth birthday party. Star Wars, in case you were wondering, which he assures me is going ot be "wicked good!" But still, did they really have to go there?
Those two ass-hats totally ruined my day. My week. My life.
And do you want to know the worst part? I let them.
I let those douchbags (who btw, were two dudes in cowboy boots buying diet Coke and Lean Cuisine - just sayin') effect how I thought about myself.
What the hell kind of brain fart was that?
OK, so Brokeback thought I was pregnant. So what? Am I? No. Do I look like it? Possibly.
Yes, I'm fat. I get it. I'm OK with that because I'm working on it. I'm not just setting around on my non-pregnant ass.
And the next time I see those guys around town hopefully they will realize just how awesome I am. They better recognize. And failing that; I've been working out and I don't care to hit a dude.

Pop It To Me!

To all the 2nd grade parents at my son's school;
This letter is directed to the parent or parents (you know who you are) who brought Pepsi to the Valentine's Day Party on Monday. This was not appreciated.
In fact it sucked!
I could go on and on about how bad caffeine is for kids, but I suspect you already know all this, and clearly don't care. I will not comment on your cracker jack parenting. I doubt it would make a difference. 
However, all health considerations of caffeine aside, 7 & 8 year olds should not have Pepsi or other caffeinated beverages for one very important reason.
It makes them wonky!
I mean seriously crazy! My kid  was still bouncing off the walls at 9:00pm. I'm sure your little darling was not so effected, being so used to caffeine as he/she is.
So, just so we're clear, you SUCK!
Thank you,
Popped Off Mom

All Bitches Are Not Alike or lessons we can learn from the dog show

It's red carpet season and while I'm not huge fan of awards shows I LOVE love love Fashion Police on E! with Joan Rivers, Kelley Osbourne, and the other two that no one really cares about. Yes, I love the snarky things they say and how Joan has an awesome habit of saying just exactly what it is that I am thinking. But what I most love is that Fashion Police never picks on women for their size. They celebrate the fact that every woman is different.
Yes, they say that so and so should have pulled on a pair of Spanx under that tight satin dress, but Spanx aren't exclusive to the big girls. And they often comment how certain dresses, while beautiful, do not complement an actresses body type. They recognize that Christina Hendricks cannot wear the same dress that Jane Lynch can wear. And Jane Lynch can't wear a dress that Sandra Bullock can wear. And so on. The judges on Fashion Police judge actresses and their respective fashions can't be judged against each other but only against their selves.
Seems like I've heard this theory before.
Oh yeah. At the dog show. Being a dog loving family, we always watch the Westminster Kennel Club dog show when it's on. And someone will always say something like, "Yeah, but that Lab is way cuter than the terrier!"
Perhaps, but that's not the way it works. A terrier cannot be a Lab. And that is just the way it is. There is an ancient Chinese proverb (isn't there always?) that says that one cannot fault a pig for not having the neck of a giraffe.
Are you getting it? I can't have the body of the girl that works out at the gym with me and she cannot have the body of the girl at the coffee shop. And while my body will never look like Cameron Diaz's no matter how hard I work at it, I can work to make it a better version of my own body.
Who knew Joan Rivers and a bunch of bitches had so much wisdom?