Alive and Kickin'

I'm back, for those that care. And well, those that don't can go to hell. (RIP Dixie Carter). I took a little break from the blog because, well, I wanted to. No I did not take a break from my eating or exercise plans. But I might as well have for all the good it did me. Or didn't do, as the case would be.
Anyways, the long and the short of it is this. I just today broke through a 5 week (no shit- 5 week) plateau. I think 5 weeks counts more as a stall out and I think my trainer kind of did too, 'cause she suggested I get my thyroid checked. And maybe I will, but just not right now. I lost weight this week, bitches, so suck it, thyroid!
It's really amazing when you think about it, that after a weekend such as I just had that any weight at all was lost. I spent the past month tracking what I was eating like a mad person and doubling up on exercise just to see the scale mock me. Finally I get fed up and say F it and go on a weekend pleasure spree at the horse track and, Voila - plateau busted. Maybe that's what my metabolism needed all along. A swift kick in the arse.
Also said weekend has left me with a severe sunburn and a stuffy nose from what the "bubble-headed bleach blond that comes on at 5" tells me is a record breaking year for tree pollen. How very helpful. But whatever. Not gonna slow me down.
I have a Northwoods lakehouse vacation coming up in 6 weeks, followed by a week at the beach with my babies. Then later in the summer Hubby and I will be taking a second honeymoon to mark our 10th wedding anniversary. So, you see, I need to be in shape.
Last summer I had a bit of a problem staying on track. As this summer looms ahead I am determined not to let that happen again. I am going to come up with some sort of plan and - here's where the details get a little sketchy - I'm gonna stick to it. No, seriously!
Hubby has promised me a shopping trip worthy of Clinton Kelly if I can get to my goal weight and I intend to take him up on it. He's gonna be SORRY. he he he. (you can't see me, but I am greedily rubbing my hands together, while practicing my evil smirk)
Oh, and UPDATE! I killed two birds with one stone. I kicked my magazine habit and with the money I'm saving I hired a cleaning lady. I love her! She only comes once every two weeks, but man! She gets more done on that day than I manage to do the other 13. Girl is good!
So, there you have it. Nothing terribly witty or earth-shattering or even very ironic today. Just back in the groove and feeling pretty good.

Things That Never Were, and Never Will Be

Recently I wrote about how being bigger kept me from doing things that I really wanted to do. I was so ashamed of being fat that I wouldn't let myself have fun. I am trying to overcome that and am accomplishing it, to varying degrees of success. What I have learned, though, is that there is a flip side to this.
So many of us have the mindset that "things will be better when". You know, when we get married, when we have a baby, when I have more money, or in my case- when I am skinny. Well, I have recently come to the conclusion that I will never be skinny. And shockingly enough, it's OK. Even if I were things would not magically become "better" and I don't know why I thought they would. The realization is strangely freeing.
This has led me to think of other things that I have always wanted. Things that I never had any chance of getting. Things that I was too focused on having that I lost sight of the things in my life that are truly worthy of my time.

1. I will never be a Rock Star. I know you're shocked, but seriously. I have spent an embarrasing amount of time thinking that I was cheated of my destiny by not being able to sing. I can't even bellow. Truly. Which is tragic considering that I am an afficianado of Rock and Roll. Unfortunately, being thinner will not magically transform my vocal cords into sounding like Anne Wilson.
2. Being thinner will not make me a better mother. This one's tricky because while it is true that being in better health will allow me to have more energy to spend on my family, it does not guarantee that I will like it. Now please, don't get me wrong, I love my kids more than anything in this world. But being skinny is not going to make me like the school fund-raiser any better. I'm just not that kind of mini-van driving, PTA volunteering, T-ball practice carpooling, kind of mom. Thank Bob for those moms. But I'm more of a social-commentating, tree-hugging, be sure to read your banned books, kind of mom. Being skinny ain't going to change that. I'll just look better in the "Kill Whitey" T shirt.
3. I will never ever ever like exercise. I used to think that I didn't enjoy exercise because I was fat. I now know that I do not like exercise because it sucks. I still look in wonder at those fit and fabulous women who get off on the exercise endorphans and seem to glow rather than sweat. And it is true that I always feel better after I exercise. But I also always feel better after an ice cream sundae, so I'm thinking that's not the best argument for me. I exercise because my body needs it just like oxygen and broccoli and smutty paperbacks.
4. I am never going to be neat. Not neat as in cool. Neat as in well organized and clean. I am basically a clean person. I don't like dirty dishes or clothes laying around. I vacume regularly because I don't like dog hair all over everything. And I make my kids keep their rooms and play room clean because, frankly, no one ever made me do that and that's how I got this way. What I am not, is organized. I am a magazine junkie and I have them in every room of the house. I read like a fiend all different types of books and all of those tomes, combined with those of my husband and kids, combine to form a library that would make an old school librarian blush. Being thin is certainly not going to change any of that. If only.
5. I will never climb Mt. Everest. Mostly for the simple fact that I don't want to, but that's hardly the point. I always thought that when I lost weight I would want to go on all of these adventures. And I still do. I just no longer feel like I have to prove anything to anyone. I don't need the status of climbing a mountain or hiking the full length of the Appalachian Trail. What I would like to do is do a couple of day hikes and still have enough energy to enjoy the spa back at the hotel. I want to go to Ireland and be able to enjoy Dublin and the Irish countryside with out feeling like I need a vacation from my vacation. And I want to. . .well, there's lots of things I want to do, but I won't neccessarily be waiting until I lose weight to do them. I'm alive now and I intend to live while I can.

So there you go. those are the things that I will never be or have or do. And because I have let go of those unrealistic goals I have been able to spend more time focusing on the things that I can have. I will be planning a vacation to the beach this summer with my kids where I will be wearing a bathing suit, not without some apprehension, but still. I will be playing a lot of Beatles Rock Band in the comfort of my own living room. Afterall, if I can't play the drums at least as well as Ringo, then i shouldn't be allowed to have Rock and Roll Dreams. And I even think that, if I can finagle the budget around just a bit, I will be hiring that cleaning lady.
 Hey, don't judge me. Those that can't cook eat out. Those that can't clean hire a cleaning lady. And the best part is that I can trudge to the gym and when I get back my house will be neat.

Valerie Bertinelli Kicked My Ass

To be fair it was actually her personal trainer, Christopher Ross Lane who performed said ass-kicking via Val's new much anticipated workout DVD Valerie Bertinelli Losing It and Keeping Fit.
I'm not a huge fan of workout DVDs, namely because anything that is too convenient for me is not a great idea. I tend to be an excuse maker. If I don't get up and go to the gym first thing in the morning, then it's highly likely, if not probable, that I am not going to do any kind of workout that day. That being said I do have one walking DVD that I am quite fond of, and of course there's always the old Wii Fit, both of which are handy on snow days and such.
And I will admit to having something of a girl-crush on Valerie Bertinelli ever since she became the Jenny Craig spokesperson. I enjoyed watching her lose the weight and even though she and I had nothing in common (age, body-type, family situation, lifestyle, or income) and I certainly had no intention of joining Jenny Craig. Still I secretly coveted all things Valerie - Eddie VanHalen not withstanding.
So I was overjoyed when she came out with the DVD. I wanted to splash backwards into a pool in my blue bikini, too! I of course pre-ordered on Amazon and counted down the days untill brown brought it to me.
I liked that there were two fitness levels. Level 1, 20 minutes and level 2, 40 minutes. Heck, I'd been working out and was in relatively good shape. I was strong. I should just jump right to the level 2. My super smart husband reminded me that since this DVD was new and I knew nothing about it, I should at least start on level 1 and go from there. Fine, I thought, I'll humor him.
OK, nobody tell him this, but he was totally right. The 20 minute workout wasn't too intense, by any means, but it was definately nothing to sniff at. I decided to do it for a few days before moving on to the 40 minute workout. That day came two days ago.
I got up, got my workout pants on - the Nike spandex ones that my mamaw got me as a well-meaning Christmas gift, but that I refuse to wear outside of this house - had my smoothie, took my vitamins, and fired up the old Panasonic.
Holy Crap. There was Val, in all her pony-tailed cuteness. And there was Christopher, looking like nothing so much as a more gay, more buff version of Ashley Wilkes (I'm not kidding, and once you get that image in your mind, well, good luck) But Ashley was never so sadistic, or Miss Melly knew something we didn't. Anyways, I could tell right away that this workout would be different. I swear to you the music was ominous and Val had a nervous look on her face that said that she, like Miss Melly, knew what was up.
I won't go into any details, because to be honest there was nothing new here. There were a lot of squats and lunges and crunches and the such, but when it was over I could barely haul my sorry ass up off the floor. And there were definately cardiac benefits because my heart was racing and there was enough sweat dripping off my to float a boat.
The real test came the next morning though. When I woke up, I noticed that I was a bit sore, but no biggie. Wrong. I went in to set on the toilet, like I do first thing every morning, and Jeez-O-Peet. My legs and thighs and ass muscles were positively screaming. SCREAMING! Everytime I got up or sat down for the rest of the day was excrutiating. I swear to you that I "held it" for close to five hours because I didn't want to go set on the toilet again. The next day was only marginally better. The only exercise I could do for the next two days was walk on the hated treadmill, which for once I was pleased to do because - you know - I couldn't set much. So I got in almost 10 miles over two and a half days and am looking forward to going back to gym tomorrow.
The verdict is that Val didn't get that body from nothing. If Christopher was her trainer then she definately earned it. And while I still have my pool-splashing bikini dreams, I think I'll have to think twice before I do that level 2 workout again. I'll get there, but Holy Crap, I'm gonna have to work back up to it.

Viva La Revolution!!!

In the spirit of the Olympics, which frankly I am adicted to, we are going international. I like watching sports where the athletes have to consume massive amounts of calories a day just to stay in training. Like cross country skiing. 12,000 calories a day. Seriously. I need a job like that. "The Swiss are looking strong, time for another doughnut, get some more ski time." I think I could handle that. Eat, ski, eat, ski, ski, ski, eat, sleep. OK, I might not be competitive, or even very good. But I think I could eat like I was. Oh, wait, I already did that.
Anyway, I read something the other day that vaguely has something to do with international eating, but admitedly nothing to do with the Olympics. This study compared the way French women and American women eat. I, for one, would love to know how they manage to eat all those creamy sauces and delicious pastries and still look fashionably slender. I know that if I ran into a French woman on the street she would think I was fat and I would think she was a bitch and we would probably both be right. Still, there must be something she could teach me. Just like there are things I could teach her. Like Jerry Lewis isn't really that funny and horizontal sailor stripes do not, in fact, look good on everyone.
The study started out with the two groups of women being given identical, but massive, amounts of food. Each group was told that they could eat as much as they wanted to. To eat until they were "satisfied". Not surprisingly, the American women ate way more than the French.
The reason - surprisingly simple. When asked how each woman judged whether or not they were satisfied the American women responded that they ate until they were "full". The French women responded that they ate until they "weren't hungry anymore".
Not hungry anymore? Are you kidding me? It's really that simple? Well, it must be because Dior doesn't make stretch pants.
So the trick is being able to know when you're not hungry anymore. It's easy to know when you're full. God knows I've felt that belt-loosening, lethargy set in often enough after a big meal. It's America after all. If something is tasty, well, then Super-Size it. And we've all been taught to clean our plates. And how often have we made fun of the devastatingly small portions of French cuisine? Who knew?
I know it's easier said than done, like most things in life. But I'm all for a plan that allows me to eat anything I want. Eat away - just stop when you're not hungry anymore. Hmmm. I don't know how well it'll go, but I'm going to give it a whirl. For the next week I'm going to revel in food. I'm going ot cook my favorite dishes. Even dessert. I'm going to eat whatever I want, deny myself nothing, stopping when I am not hungry anymore. It's a risky little game, but I'm up for the challenge.
It's definately weird to be trying to lose weight and talking about eating what I want. Sort of like being concerned with fuel efficiency and buying an SUV. But, as I've said before I'm not interested in a "diet" so much as a new lifestyle. I have had success so far, but I'm always interested in aomething new. Especially as it pertains to eating more sweets.
Now wax up the skis and snap on your ski boots. There's been a lot of snow of late here in the hills of Eastern Kentucky and I've got to work up a hunger. I can totally do it.

Everyday Should Be Christina Hendricks Day

From one of my favorite bloggers over at 43-Ideas-Per-Minute.
Everyday Should Be Christina Hendricks Day

FOOD, INC. (why everyone who eats should see this film)

"Oh, the cow in the meadow goes 'MOO'
Oh, the cow in the meadow goes 'MOO'
'till the farmer hits it on the head with a hammer
and that's how we get hamburger."

Oh, if only that's how we got hamburger. That's a line from a song sung on an episode of Friends by the quasi-hippy Phoebe, played by Lisa Kudrow. In the show Phoebe has been hired to sing songs to kids at story time at a library. All the parents are, of course, upset by her songs lyrics. But the kids love her and seek her out at her coffee shop hang out, dubbing her, "the lady who tells the truth."
Turns out though that Phoebe's hammer - to - head hitting method of getting hamburger is just wishful thinking. We all know, of course, that hamburger comes from cows. That's just elementary. But did you know that that hamburger you're eating could contain meat from hundreds or even thousands of cows? It's true.
And did you know that McDonald's is the countries largest purchaser of beef? And potatoes? And pork? And even one of the largest purchasers of apples? Also true. And by being the largest consumer of these goods, McDonald's in effect controls the way that cows and pigs and chickens (had an Egg McMuffin, lately?) are raised and the way potatoes and apples are grown.
I learned all of this from the jaw dropping documentary FOOD, INC., a Robert Kenner Film. This isn't one of those boring, over-hyper narrator, documentaries from high school about how many days it takes a chicken egg to grow into a chicken. It's more like an investigative journalism film about how farmers are being controlled by mafia-like big business.  Did you know that the average chicken farmer has had to take out oans of $30,000+ to build each chicken house? (Most have more than 3 chicken houses.) Yet, that same farmer makes less than $17,000/year. And those same chicken houses are controlled by the companies that buy his chickens and/or eggs. Farmer John has to do things the way Big Brother tells him or else they won't buy his product. Considering that in this case there is really only two chicken companies that matter - Tyson and Purdue, if Farmer John doesn't cooperate he's pretty much up to his neck in a bunch of chicken waste. And as my grandpappy always said, "You can't make chicken salad out of chicken shit."
I won't even mention the conditions that these chickens, pigs, and cows live in. I'm not exactly a bleeding heart. And I'm certainly no vegitarian. I like a big juicy steak just like the next guy. But when I see pictures of these factory farms where cows are standing knee-deep in their own manure for 90% of their lives, well, it makes me want to reconsider how much I'm willing to pay for my steak.
Did you know that beef is so cheap because McDonald's says so. That's right. McDonald's again. Because Americans want their dollar menu, McDonalds dictates how much it's willing to pay for beef. And since they are the countries largest buyer of beef their word is pretty much law. And since their are only so many ways to cut corners when raising and actual living breathing animal, farmers are forced to feed their beef cows corn - a grain that cows aren't even equipped to digest. Therefore, farmers are also forced to feed their cows large numbers of antibiotics and artificial growth hormones just to keep up with the demand at the price that McDonalds dictates. That's why that hamburger that you just bought at the grocery store was only $1.99/pound. Good deal, no?
I could go on and on about this subject, but I won't. Obviously I believe that there needs to be better laws in this counrty to ensure that people can afford to buy good healthy food. I don't understand why people will organize marches and protests to complain about having to pay for health care all the while embracing their Dollar Menu Double Cheeseburger like it was a life raft.
And before it starts, let me just say - I get it. I do. I'm a mother. I know how hard it is to feed a family, how expensive it can be. But isn't it worth it to spend a little more money at the grocery store than spend exponentially more money on medications to treat preventable diseases like diabetes and heart disease? So for my part, my family will now be spending more money for grass-fed beef and organic local-raised eggs and organic in-season produce, even if it means going meatless a few nights a week. I don't think it will be that difficult. And I think that if we all were smarter consumers then more of these products would be available at out local grocery stores, not just Whole Foods.
Go to the farmers market where a farmer keeps 80-90% of every dollar spent there. (poverty among farmers is more than double that of all other employees) Know where your food comes from. . . and BUY LOCAL! ( the average meal travels over 1,500 miles from the "farm" to your plate.) And buy organic whenever you can, even if it costs a little more. I promise it makes a difference. (70% of all antibiotics used in the US are given to farm animals. and according to the EPA, over 1 billion pounds of pesticides are used each year in the US)
And last, but not least watch FOOD, INC. for more. Like Upton Sinclair's The Jungle, I believe FOOD, INC. has the power to change the way Americans eat. Visit http://www.foodincmovie.com/ to find out more. If you want to do more go to www.takepart.com/foodinc .

The Shame Monster

I was just watching Dr. Oz and he was celebrating his 100th episode with people who have lost over 100 lbs. Great. I'm all about the inspiration, not to mention how desperately in need of it I am right now. So here was this lovely woman who had lost a jaw-dropping 195 lbs. The old fashioned, diet and exercise way. No surgery. And I was thinking, "Great! She must have some really great tips." and she did but that's not what struck me most about what she had to say.
She and Dr. Oz spent a lot of time talking about how when she was bigger she used to avoid things. She said that she would keep herself back from activities that she and her husband both enjoyed because she was ashamed of how she looked and she didn't want to embarrass her husband for having a fat wife. And she looked so sad when she talked about all the things that she had missed out on. My first thought was, "How ridiculous!" and my second thought was, "Hey, wait a minute. I do that. Crap!"
Then I got to thinking about all the times I have given less than my all because of my size. And not necessarily the physical limitations of being over-weight. I was thinking more about the times that I have been too embarrassed by my appearance to do something. Anything.
Turns out there were too many to count. For example, my husband and I have always wanted to go white water rafting. But I have been too embarressed to put on shorts in front of a large group of people. Especially people that I don't know. Forget about a bathing suit. And what if I went in the water and couldn't haul my fat ass back up in the raft? Then there are all the opportunities that I have passed up to travel different places because I am mortified of flying. Not for the normal reasons. I know that it is one of the safest forms of travel out there. No, what I'm scared of is the looks of the other passengers. Like, "holy crap. I hope Fatty doesn't set by me." It's horrible to even contemplate. Not to mention that I avoid, like the plague, any occasion where I would have to eat in front of other people. I feel like no matter waht is on my plate that people are judging me.
I know I can't be the only one who feels or has felt this way. If I was then Dr. Oz wouldn't be doing a show on it. So why do we  do this to ourselves. Why do we engage in thoughts and activities that we know are destructive? I know that I am being ridiculous even as I'm doing it. My husband has never in word or action indicated that he is in any way ashamed of me. Just the opposite, as a matter of fact.
The more I thought about this subject, the better I felt about it - ironically. Normally I would slide down a shame spiral until all that was left for me was a comfy pair of stretch pants. But, funnily enough, I actually feel pretty good about myself right now. I recognized that that was the  way I felt. Past tense. I try not to feel that way much anymore. Sure it creeps up now and then, but not nearly as often. Recently I even bought a very hot, hot, hot dress for a friends wedding. It was somewhat form fitting and bright purple. Something I would never have dreamed of wearing forty pounds ago, much less feeling comfortable in it. And what's more, if I do say so myself, I looked SMOKIN' hot in it. And you know what? I had a great time at that wedding. My husband and I danced and I ate and we had a blast.
So- lesson learned. The shame stops here. From now on when shame creeps in I'm going to instead focus on what I have to be proud of. I have accomplished a lot of things during this journey. Like losing forty pounds, and being stronger than I ever have been before, and having more energy for my kids and husband, and having healthier physicals than I've ever had before. So what if I was over weight before. So what if I still am. I'm working on it, aren't I? I'm not just setting there feeling sorry for myself, am I? No! Nor will I.
I figure in this life we all things that we may be ashamed of now and then. Who doesn't? But from now on, you aren't going to catch me setting around feeling sorry for myself. No, ma'am. My time is to valuable for that. Besides, I have to work on my upper-body strength. My big ass is going white-water rafting this summer. Look out!