Sunday, February 28, 2010

Valerie Bertinelli Kicked My Ass

To be fair it was actually her personal trainer, Christopher Ross Lane who performed said ass-kicking via Val's new much anticipated workout DVD Valerie Bertinelli Losing It and Keeping Fit.
I'm not a huge fan of workout DVDs, namely because anything that is too convenient for me is not a great idea. I tend to be an excuse maker. If I don't get up and go to the gym first thing in the morning, then it's highly likely, if not probable, that I am not going to do any kind of workout that day. That being said I do have one walking DVD that I am quite fond of, and of course there's always the old Wii Fit, both of which are handy on snow days and such.
And I will admit to having something of a girl-crush on Valerie Bertinelli ever since she became the Jenny Craig spokesperson. I enjoyed watching her lose the weight and even though she and I had nothing in common (age, body-type, family situation, lifestyle, or income) and I certainly had no intention of joining Jenny Craig. Still I secretly coveted all things Valerie - Eddie VanHalen not withstanding.
So I was overjoyed when she came out with the DVD. I wanted to splash backwards into a pool in my blue bikini, too! I of course pre-ordered on Amazon and counted down the days untill brown brought it to me.
I liked that there were two fitness levels. Level 1, 20 minutes and level 2, 40 minutes. Heck, I'd been working out and was in relatively good shape. I was strong. I should just jump right to the level 2. My super smart husband reminded me that since this DVD was new and I knew nothing about it, I should at least start on level 1 and go from there. Fine, I thought, I'll humor him.
OK, nobody tell him this, but he was totally right. The 20 minute workout wasn't too intense, by any means, but it was definately nothing to sniff at. I decided to do it for a few days before moving on to the 40 minute workout. That day came two days ago.
I got up, got my workout pants on - the Nike spandex ones that my mamaw got me as a well-meaning Christmas gift, but that I refuse to wear outside of this house - had my smoothie, took my vitamins, and fired up the old Panasonic.
Holy Crap. There was Val, in all her pony-tailed cuteness. And there was Christopher, looking like nothing so much as a more gay, more buff version of Ashley Wilkes (I'm not kidding, and once you get that image in your mind, well, good luck) But Ashley was never so sadistic, or Miss Melly knew something we didn't. Anyways, I could tell right away that this workout would be different. I swear to you the music was ominous and Val had a nervous look on her face that said that she, like Miss Melly, knew what was up.
I won't go into any details, because to be honest there was nothing new here. There were a lot of squats and lunges and crunches and the such, but when it was over I could barely haul my sorry ass up off the floor. And there were definately cardiac benefits because my heart was racing and there was enough sweat dripping off my to float a boat.
The real test came the next morning though. When I woke up, I noticed that I was a bit sore, but no biggie. Wrong. I went in to set on the toilet, like I do first thing every morning, and Jeez-O-Peet. My legs and thighs and ass muscles were positively screaming. SCREAMING! Everytime I got up or sat down for the rest of the day was excrutiating. I swear to you that I "held it" for close to five hours because I didn't want to go set on the toilet again. The next day was only marginally better. The only exercise I could do for the next two days was walk on the hated treadmill, which for once I was pleased to do because - you know - I couldn't set much. So I got in almost 10 miles over two and a half days and am looking forward to going back to gym tomorrow.
The verdict is that Val didn't get that body from nothing. If Christopher was her trainer then she definately earned it. And while I still have my pool-splashing bikini dreams, I think I'll have to think twice before I do that level 2 workout again. I'll get there, but Holy Crap, I'm gonna have to work back up to it.

1 comment:

  1. I know the feeling. Sorta. I went to my first Zumba class last week and could barely make it down my steps the next morning. Even my neck hurt. I think I pulled my epiglottis.

    But I thought the best way to work out the soreness would be to get on the treadmill. So I put in two miles, and then three more miles on the bike.

    And then I cried that night.