The Bitch is Back

It certainly has been a long time. Have you missed me? Of course you have. Who wouldn't miss this wit and sparkling charm? Turns out the break from journal keeping (aka blogging about my weight loss - or lack thereof as the case may be) has left my waist line a little. . . shall we say unmotivated.
Then along comes New Years. That ubiquitous fresh start. The undeniably futile resolution making. I myself have resisted New Years Resolutions in the past just for the simple fact that I don't like the feeling of self disappointment that inevitably follows. But seeing as that has worked out so well for me in the past (NOT) I thought, "What the hell!"
Now, just to be clear we are not calling anything a "Resolution". That would imply that I have some sort of resolve which to me sounds like you've had to drag yourself to doing something. I'm thinking more like a New Year's Reboot.
Yes, when I first started this journey I lost almost 40 pounds relatively easily. Yay, me! But somewhere along the way I hit a plateau and never seemed to get off. I had previously made a goal to lose another 50 pounds. Half of which I have already lost (included in the aforementioned 40 pounds) Again, yay me! So that leaves 25 more to go.
And since I have already turned the Resolution on it's ear I thought, 'Why not make it an even 30?'
I am going to Reboot my eating and exercise plans to lose 30 pounds. I am using, like about a zillion other people, NBC's Biggest Loser as a motivation and time frame. Every season I am inspired by the people who lose massive amounts of weight with what amounts to no more than diet and exercise. Yes, they lose like 10 - 20 pounds a week. An unreasonable amount for us mere mortals. They have the benefit of living on a world class fitness ranch with unbelievable trainers, nutritionists, doctors, and maybe most importantly - no kid's chicken nuggets and mac-n-cheese.
My Reboot will include 4 days of Curve's gym workouts plus 5 days of at home cardio. I've gotten myself my very own kettlebell (8 pounds) and the new Gold's Gym Cardio boxing game for the Wii and I'm actually looking forward to my extra workouts for the first time in a long time.
As far as eating goes, that is also turning out to be surprisingly easier than I imagined. After this Holiday Season I am just about as sick as sweets as any human could be. I don't think I could even think about eating another piece of cake or pie or candy even with my seemingly unsatisfiable sweet tooth. Yes, I know that won't last and probably before they even roll out the Valentine's candy I'll be raiding the pantry looking for a rogue tootsie roll. I'm going to make sure I have healthy alternatives like fruit, angle food cake, and maybe even the occasional mini York Peppermint Patty. I will also be including more vegis, which unfortunately have been sadly lacking in my diet for the past few weeks.
I've worked in a few rewards along the way like new workout clothes, trips to Sephora and so on. And the biggie, If I can manage to lose 30 pounds by the end of this season of Biggest Loser I can treat myself to a new summer wardrobe. Hey, if I lose 30 pounds I'm gonna need new threads.
Now, if you'll excuse me I've got to go Wii for the next 30 minutes. At least. See you next Tuesday!

Independance Day Contest!!!

This Fourth of July we're honoring Independence Day by freeing ourselves from dieting. Diet is a four-letter word at my house and if you hear me use it, it is in reference to the way that we eat - not some crack-brained lose weight quick scheme.
We have made healthy eating and exercise an everyday part of our lives and in so doing have gained Independence from yo-yo dieting and the health hazards that go along with it. So in honor of our nation's Independence Day, I'm having a contest here on Fat Girl Slim.
All you have to do is invite some friends to follow the blog and you and them will be entered to win a package that includes items to help you live healthy every day. On July 4th a random winner will be chosen from all followers.
Prize includes 10 Minute Solution Fat Blasting Dance Mix DVD, pedometer, BPA free water bottle, and maybe a few surprises. I figure it's a win-win. I maybe get a few new followers, thereby allowing me to get cooler features on the blog. And you get a chance to win a prize.
So, good luck and quit dieting!*

* Style and color of water bottle and pedometer may differ based on availability at end of contest.

Big Changes on the Horizon

For a while now there has been a little idea rolling around in the back of my head that I need to shake things up. I've been in a blogging rut for a while and since I've been stalled out in the weight loss for roughly the same amount of time I can't say that the two are necessarily unrelated.
So I'm thinking maybe some format changes. A few new features. Maybe a new name or something. I'm still not real sure, but some thing's gotta give, if you know what I mean.
I am completely open to any suggestions or ideas. Drop me a comment and let me know what you're thinking. Anything you want to see added, or maybe something you don't care so much for. Or maybe just any crazy old idea that you'd like to let me know. I'm open to just about anything. Well, except maybe fortune telling. A girl's got to keep some secrets, after all.

Hoop Dreams

Just call me a fool. I bought a hula hoop today. A weighted hula hoop. A 5 pound weighted hoop. Now to get a full and accurate picture of my foolishness you should know that before today I didn't even know how to hula hoop. Hey, don't judge! It's harder than it looks.
So I get the stupid thing back to the safety of my own home only to have my dog look at me in that way that says, "you're kidding me with this, right?" I turned on Rachael Ray and I hooped and I hooped until finally I got a little wiggle in my jiggle and hula-ed my somewhat substantial ass off.
Allegedly, for ever three minutes spent hooping burns 100 calories (give or take based on both the size of the hoop and the weight of the junk in your trunk). This remains to be seen, but I definitely felt like I got a proper abdominal workout.
Plus I have a huge bruise cropping up across my right hip-bone. Five pounds orbiting around my jelly roll is evidently nothing to sneeze at. But hey, what's a little internal bleeding among friends if it can give me abs of steel?

Who knew?!?!?!

Today was the day I had set aside for gardening and unlike most things on my to-do list, I actually did it. Most things do get done, eventually. But today was gardening day and gardening I did. It felt good.
I like gardening. It is very soothing and relaxing and I am one of those weird people who likes to play in the dirt. The one thing gardening is not, though, is easy. It is wicked hard work.
There's the bending and pulling, the lifting and digging. And the walking and carrying - good grief, the carrying. But when you're all done you have a beautiful lush green garden to enjoy.
We do enjoy it, too. My family and I are lucky enough to live on a lush hillside in Appalachia. We can look off our back deck and see nothing but the tree tops below us. Seriously, when the Air Force does fly-bys (which they do here often) they are BELOW us. The view from the back of my house is amazing and the view from the front is only slightly less spectacular. So I try to plant things that enhance all the green we got going on here. I plant lots of cool colors in the pots on my deck because they complement the shady area. And by the front porch I plant hot pink to accent my front door. Plus, I have a butt load several shrubs and perennials that need fertilized and mulched and tended. This year I also planted a climbing rose on the side of the house that I thought would look charming growing up the side of my brick house.
Gardening is also one of those activities that allows you time to think. Actually hear your own thoughts instead of mentally making a grocery list or listening for the dryer to ding out of one ear. Today, as I was sweating carrying 40lb bags of mulch, I got to thinking about gardening as exercise.
Now normally, I don't count my household activities as exercise. I just consider it part of my lifestyle. But the kind of gardening I was doing today was definitely not part of my day to day activities. So I hit google when I came inside and found out (by averaging the results of several different sites) that I could be burning up to 289 calories an hour. Holy Crap! Seriously? Since I was out there for about 2 1/2 - 3 hours I figure I burned about 723 calories. YIKES!
So now I'm wondering a couple of things. Like, how many other calories do we neglect to realize we're burning? And, do you think any of my neighbors need their spring gardening work done?

Rainy Days and Mondays Always Get Me Down

Especially when I have stuff to do! To be fair, I usually love the rain. I love the gray skies and the sound that it makes on my window sills. I love how everything seems to be suspended when it rains. I love how everything seems somehow "greener". I imagine what it would be like to live in Ireland.
But, alas, I'm in good ol' KY and I have a ton of stuff to do before the annual  2 week slog-fest road trip with he fam. This year, like every year, we are taking the kids to the lake house in Wisconsin for the week only to turn around and come home and head out to South Carolina two days after we get back. Yes, i know how ridiculous that sounds, and yes, I am a glutton for punishment. But to be honest, the Hubs and I love a road trip. And yes, taking two kids on that many miles can be a bit of a challenge. But we are all about providing them with future fodder with which to complain about us. "Think you've got it bad? My parents once made me and my brother set in the back seat. Together! For 2000 miles. In one summer!" Ahhh, good times.
So, I am looking forward to vacation, always with a wary eye. But for now things have to be done here at Bushwood. BTW, that's what my husband and I have termed our estate little house on the hill. No, we do not think we are that important, but yes, it is from Caddyshack.
Back to the point. I need to plant all my flowers and shrubs and get them well-established before my sister-in-law comes to house sit. She has promised to water said plants but makes no guarantees on the eventual outcome. I, in turn, have promised to bring her back some really good cheese from Wisconsin but make no guarantee about stinkiness of said cheese.
I also need to get my windows washed and the deck power washed. And the basement needs cleaned out and painted. None of this is being helped by this rain that has decided to settle over the Ohio River Valley for the past 5 days.
Oh, and did I mention that I have set the totally unrealistic goal of losing 15 lbs by the end of May. I know it sounds crazy, and it probably is. But I do have some logical thinking behind it. See I have been in a slump for the last two months. That's right, TWO MONTHS! I have gained and lost the same 2-4 pounds over and over again since Valentine's.  But, I think that I have finally busted through and if I can get a bit of a jump-start I could actually reach a pretty impressive number by vacation.
That is to say, if I could actually get outside and do something. Yes, I have my videos and my treadmill and my gym. But to me nothing is s substitute for a good old fashioned walk. I try to walk 3-4 miles a day 3 days a week. (Plus my regular gym workouts) and now that it's nice out I've added to that with hikes at our local State Park. Love me some hiking. It makes me feel athletic and outdoors-y.
So I guess I'll just be hitting the gym harder and riding the treadmill a little longer and watching the forecast to see when I can actually emerge from this cave. Dramatic, I know.  But you don't understand. It's actually raaaainnninng out there.

What the Hell is Wrong With Me?

I have spent the last couple of months trying to maintain my weight - to varying degrees of success. I've finally lost the few (OK, four) pounds I gained over the holidays, but I'm not about to start bitching about that again. Instead I'm going to start bitching about something completely different.
The thing is I've spent so much time maintaining that I can't get back in the groove of losing. At least I thought that was the problem. The thing is, I'm starting to think that that's not it. I think something else may be the culprit. And I think the something else may be me. Now, I try not to take responsibility for much. (wink wink) but I'm thinking this really might be my fault. What I can't figure out is why.
Why don't I want to lose this weight? I've been 204 for the longest time. All I want to do is get below 200 right now and I was actually doing pretty good. So why the stall? And, seriously, I know all about plataus and how it's completely normal. This just doesn't feel like a normal platau. Lord knows I've had enough of those. I'm thinking maybe I'm keeping myself from losing those four pounds.
I read somewhere that you have to give yourself permission to live the life you want. Very Oprah-y, I know. But, what if there's something to all this? What if I really am scared of losing the weight? What is to be scared of?
Well, after giving it some deep bubble-bath induced thought, turns out there is quite a bit to be scared of. I decided to start at the beginning. As in, when was the last time I was under 200 large? Fire up the WayBack Machine for this one, it's been a while. Over 10 years to be exact. When I was a 20 year old college student who just found out she was pregnant. Naturally you gain weight when your pregnant, but it wasn't just the pregnancy that packed on my pounds. When I decided to keep my baby it brought about some - let's say - familial difficulties. I'm not going to go into personal stuff, mainly because I've worked really hard to put some of that behind me. And I am totally not blaiming my family - I'm blaming myself for the way I dealt with it. I ate.
Then I got married. And ate. And bought a house. And ate. And had another baby. And ate some more. Then we built a new house. And I ate and ate and ate. Then I saw a picture of myself at a party. A party where I thought I was looking particularily hot when I left the house. Yeah, not so much. Anyways, I have dealt with all this. Seriously. I've even talked to someone about it professionally. So why is it all coming back up now?
I guess, like bad pennies and Cher, it just does. But, what with the fear? What's holding me back? Am I afraid of going back to a place where all this started? Am I afraid that being in my old body will bring back all those old emotions? Or is it even more random than that? I have never in all my adult life (which started when I became a mother) been an average weight. My husband started dating me when I was waaaaaay thinner. He has loved me at my smallest and at my largest and at every size in between. Surely I'm not afraid that he won't love me if I lose the weight. I know he will. In my head, anyways.
No, I can't seem to put my finger on it. But something is keeping me from losing the four pounds just as surely as something caused me to put on all those others. Hopefully I can power through and lose them anyways. Maybe when I do, it'll be a little clearer. Maybe not. Maybe I've just hit a snag and am being too introspective. Whatever the reason, it's four pounds too many and it's time they hit the bricks. Oprah, are you listening, I give myself the permission to let go of those four pounds and finally live my life below 200.

New Years Gifts

So it's that time of the year again. That magical time when all of us full-figured gals of the world unite in our self-loathing and think (vainly) that maybe this year, this time I'll actually stick with it. I'll actually lose the weight. Well, you wanna know something? It almost never works. And you wanna know why? Because we set our selves up to fail. We create these totally un-reachable goals. Like, I'm going to lose 50lbs this year. Or, I'm going to work out everyday. Or, my favorite, I'm going to eat better this year. What does that even mean?
Now, I'm not saying these goals are impossible. Not at all. It's just that they are unlikely. I knew all this. And yet I still made New Years Resolutions every freakin' year. Why? I don't know. Why do all the other little lemmings follow that one little suicidal lemming off the cliff? No one knows, they just do.
Until now.
I read a totally awesome post from one of favorite bloggers, Cranky Fitness - a weight loss blog if ever there was one, that seemed to make a lot of sense. The post said that it really all a matter of semantics. Seriously!
Instead of makinf resolutions we should all be giving gifts to ourselves. Well, I'm liking it already. You know I love a gift. Can we register somewhere.
Well, turns out it doesn't work that way. See instead of making these crazy resolutions that are usually given up on by at least Valentines Day, we are going to start making gifts to ourselves for weight loss or health or organization or any old thing. It actually makes a lot of sense. And I have used this tactic in my own life with out even knowing it. Like when I tell myself that by having yougurt for breakfast instead of that doughnut I am going to have more energy and no headaches for the day.
So this year I have a few New Years gifts to myself.
#1 I will give myself the gift of more exersise time and I will do it in unconventional ways. Such as dance-offs with the kids and snoe-shoeing at the lake house.
#2 I will give myself the gift of more vegetables by trying one new vegi a week. I am a notorious vegi-hater and try to get in my servings by huge salads every day, but come on. Even rabbits get sick of lettuce after a while. So I am going to try some of those weirdo vegis at the Whole Foods produce section. Maybe I'll find a few new favorites.
#3 I'm going to devote more time to my blog and give myself the gift of more promotion. When I first started it was purely for my own entertainement, but now I'm thinking I'm gonna go outside the box, so to speak.
#4 I'm going to give myself the gift of (and this is the one I'm most excited about) a cleaning lady. I am a bad housekeeper, not just don't like it bad, but really really bad. I used to be ashamed, but not anymore. I figure those who can't cook eat out. So I am not going to sweat it anymore. It will give me more time for my kids and cooking healthy meals.
#5 I'm going to give myself the gift of more time with my kids. Yes, I'm a stay-at-home mom, but with my husband working away I often have to be two people at once. So with everything else I have going on (see #4) I often don't have time for a lot of the extras that my kids want to do. So thanks to the new cleaning lady I see a lot more park time and Wii Winter Olympics in my future. Bring it on!
So there it is. Hopefuly this time next year I will not be so worried aboout my weight and I will be able to say that my New Years gift giving was a success. Happy New Years and remember to gift the most important person in your life. You!

It's Beginning to Look a lot Like Sweatpants. . .

Ahhh, the holidays! The wide-eyed sugar plum bliss of every child. Remember when you used to count down the days until Winter Break with big red Xs over the days on your calender? Oh, the joy of waking up on Christmas morning to find that Santa had brought just what you asked for and wrapped it so neatly, too. And all your family came over and there was delicious food and delightful sweets practically flowing like water out of every corner of your house.
Well, yeah, of course we all remember it that way. We were kids. But I bet our mothers don't exactly remember it that way. In fact, now, that I'm a mother I'm amazed that we ever made it through any holiday much less the Queen Mother of all Holidays. That family fueled, cookie fed holiday known in my family as "Oh, crap! It's Christmas!"
Not being a particularly religious family we have always taken a pretty secular view of Christmas and that was certainly stressful enough. I always envied the Christian kids who would say things like, "It's not about the commercialism." and, "Jesus is the reason for the season." To me it just seemed like an easy way of saying, "my mom was too lazy to put up a tree this year." Now, don't get me wrong, I would never make fun of anyone for their beliefs, but not put up a tree? Come on.
In my family Christmas has turned into this crazy unspoken competition (for lack of a better word) where every one (women at least) try to outdo the other women in the family for who can produce the most Rockwellian Christmas.
My one grandmother whose birthday happened to be on Christmas was the cookie master. I have tried for years to master her "simple" butter cookie to no avail. My other grandmother is the decorating diva. She puts up a tree that while small can easily rival any florist's for it glittery coordination of color and theme. My mom, well, mom kind of dropped the ball on the holidays. She loves the flash and the glitter and her house always reminds me of Vegas at Christmas. But me, I feel the mantle of Christmas Greatness heavily upon my shoulders.
I have in my house no less than 5 trees, all themed and decorated with a precision of a military maneuver. My fireplace mantle and banister all drip with greenery and my front door is festooned and welcoming. I always make sure to have sweet treats ready for all our drop-by visitors and in years past I have convinced myself that calories consumed while tasting are not really calories at all.
This year, I know better. More's the pity, because this year is the year of my personal epiphany. I have discovered that all this self induced stress of the holidays has caused me to lose sight of my weight loss goals. Luckily I have caught myself before the lbs. started to creep back up, but still. All that means is that I will still be busy wrapping the perfect present and baking the perfect cookie all while trying to satisfy my stress-induced sweet tooth with a fat free mocha latte.
Whatever, it will all be worth it when my house looks awesome and my cousins all run out to try and out-do my decorations next year. But what they don't know is that next year, I won't care. I will be smokin' hot in Belize. Feliz Navidad!

Inspiration Station? Not So Much.

It would appear that I have lost my mojo. You see, I am not one of these miracle people who have this internal motivation. Someone who can just get out of bed throw back a cup of black coffee and a banana and actually look forward to a good hard workout. I suppose had I been born one of this alien race, I would not be in the predicament I am in today. I need the external inspiration. Desperately.
See, I am one of those profoundly normal people who must drag my sorry ass out of bed, have a Java Monster (don't worry - the lo-ball only has 100 calories for the whole can), plus my multivitamin spiked w/ green tea and egcg, and even 4oz of orange juice for the sugar rush. Then I have to rush my kids to school and hurry to the gym before my chemically induced high wears off. I plug away on stinking sweating machines, glaring across the room at the skinny new trainer with the impossibly high ass showing the correct way to use the machine. She makes it look so easy. Naturally this is not true. She is nice, but I secretly want to snap her like a twig.
Then I'm home and it's time to force feed myself some form of protein, usually a boiled egg or a cup of fat-free chocolate soy milk - my favorite. I try to get in a few loads of laundry and make the beds before I inevitably crash for a semi-comatose doze for a few minutes before the kids get off the bus. Then, of course it's homework, dinner, dishes, feed the dogs, more laundry, kids baths, my bath, fold the laundry, take a few mandatory minutes to read something completely unnecessary and self-indulgent before falling asleep -I hope- before 1:00 or 2:00am.
The thing is, a few months ago. All this seemed to be no problem. Before the end of the last school year, I seemed to have it all under control. I breezed through my daily workout, burning 500+ calories and even having enough energy to take a 3-mile walk a few times a week. And my house had never been cleaner. Now I can hardly make it up the stairs with my laundry basket and I am trying to figure out just how we can afford a cleaning lady.
The thing that pisses me off the most is that I have changed absolutely nothing. My trainer says that we all go through periodic slumps once in a while. It is natural, she says, and it will soon pass. What does she know, I think, she eats grass and tofu and weight 100lbs. She is what I imagine Satan looks like in my own personal hell. See, I think there will be a personalized hell for each of us and mine will have me too fat to move while I watch this skinny bitch supermodel stuff her face with endless cupcakes and pies and extra salty chips and never gain a pound. Worse, she will periodically, get up, step over to the scales, climb on and blithely say, "oh look, I've lost a few pounds." Yes, this will be hell. And if I am unlucky enough to end up there, this is what it will look like. Oh, and there will be bad poetry. I hate poetry.
So, what do I do? How do I find my inspiration again. I need Biggest Loser to come back on TV. I need for Kirsty Alley to lose the weight again. (although, conversely, it makes me feel worse whenever Oprah loses weight. go figure.) I need Richard Simmons to come bark in my ear every day that I can do it.
Maybe tomorrow I will wake up with a burning desire to go work out. Maybe I will wake up with enough energy to get through my day. And maybe; as my GenX hero, Wayne Campbell, often says; monkeys will fly out of my butt. Oh well. At least if that happens I will at least have lost some weight. I wonder how much a flying monkey weighs?

Getting Used to a New Trainer and other impossible goals

My trainer quit the gym. Just up and quit with no good reason. I know she has her own life and everything and doesn't exist just to whip my ass into shape, but still. My new trainer is actually the owner of the gym and she is super nice and helpful and there is absolutely nothing wrong with her whatsoever. I think, personality-wise, I might actually like her better. It's just that . . . well . . . you kind of get used to a trainer, you know?
It's a very personal relationship a woman has with her trainer. You tell her things you would never tell anyone else, not even your husband whom you love more than anything. You know, things like your weight. She's seen you sweat and groan through your toughest workouts and she's even measured your thighs, for god's sake! And you actually feel compelled to tell her the truth because you know that her sole job in your life is to make your body better. And that's exactly the way you like it.
Now she's gone and you have to get used to someone new. It's a bit like dating, I suppose, after having been in a long term relationship. I can't imagine anything more horrible. Now all I have to do is manage to carve out a good relationship with my new trainer without growing too attached. I have some serious issues.
My next impossible goal is somewhat more short term, but no less unrealistic. I want to lose 3.5 lbs. by the end of the week. 6 days. Not entirely impossible, but still highly improbable.
You see, I have these jeans . . . and then there's this concert . . . and well, you get the picture. I tried the jeans on yesterday and they actually fit. And fit pretty well, I might add. But I can't get over the fact that I'm hovering at 213.5lbs. and I can't help but feel that the jeans would look even better on me if I was at 210.
I know it's ridiculous, but still. I figure if I bust my hump all week then even if I don't lose the whole 3.5 lbs. I will at least have lost something, and hopefully even have jump started my metabolism so that next week is a little easier on the scales, too.
Call me crazy. Call me a dreamer. Just don't call me for the next 6 days. I will be at the gym.

Is this supposed to be inspirational, or something?

OK, I know this is completely ridiculous, but I have found something new to piss me off. To be fair, on the pissing me off scale this is relatively low and probably completely petty. But hey what are pissing me off scales for if not arbitrary absurdness?
So here it is. For the past two morning in a row I have entered my gym only to be greeted by dance mix versions of church hymns. No, don't adjust your screen, you read it right. Dance mix church music. Seriously? What the hell - to say the least.
Now, please before anyone gets all up in arms that I am against their religion - that is not what I am saying. Not here, anyways. I believe that all music, even gospel, has its place. Just not at the gym. I think even the most filled with the spirit, shall we say?, can see the logic of this. It's like fish tacos. Two things that just don't go, in my opinion.
When I go workout I like to here me some Black Eyed Peas, some Flo Rida, hell - even some damn Brittany Spears is better than this stuff. I'll freely admit it. I don't hate the post post breakdown Brittany stuff. In fact Womanizer and Circus are fairly excellent workout tunes. But how am I expected to work up a sweat to a tub-thumpin' version of Amazing Grace? The ridiculousness of it almost made me lose track of where I was in the circuit. That's the worst part of it. Not only is the God Rock awesomely inappropriate but it's downright distracting.
So while I may be over in the corner moaning "Oh, Jesus!" after any given workout, that should certainly not be taken as a request to the DJ.

Product of the Week (or until I find something I like better)

I have found the answer to my summertime ice cream cravings. Del Monte Fruit Chillers frozen fruit sorbet treat. You find them in the grocery store next to the canned fruit and applesauce and crap and they are seriously delicious.
They are little tubes of pureed fruit (2 flavors - strawberry and grape berry) that you put in your freezer and - Ouila! tasty summer frozen treat. They are even kind of good for you. The first ingredient is fruit puree and there is no artificial flavors or corn syrup. Each tube has only 55 calories, 0 fat, 25% of your daily vitamin C intake, and even a gram of fiber (every little bit counts they say. Each tube also counts for 1/2 serving of fruit. Heck for 55 calories you could eat two, have a full serving of fruit, and not feel like crap afterward. Hell, yeah!
OK, so they're not rich creamy full fat ice cream. But they're also not going to make your ass look like rich creamy full fat ice cream either. So go have and extra hard workout and enjoy one of these (or two if you're nasty) little jewels as a reward. Del Monte Fruit Chillers kick serious diet ass.

* for the record these are not strictly "clean eating" but like I said 80/20. And since these have no artificial flavors or sweeteners or corn syrup, I don't think the addition of a tiny amount of food grade dye is going to kill you.

The Grades Are In

I got my report card (so to speak) on Friday. You know by now that I work out at Curves, a women's only gym, and I love it. I try to go about four times a week, though since school's been out it's been more like three. One of the things Curves does is a monthly Progress Report that helps you track . . . well, your progress.
So now I am about to be brutally honest and share my report with you. I debated with myself over doing this, but if I'm going to be honest then I'm going to be 100%. Besides it can't be as embarrassing as standing in front of millions of TV viewers in a sports bra and bike shorts like The Biggest Loser contestants, right?
Keep in mind that I started charting my progress when I got my Smart Card (another great Curves tool) which I got in the beginning of December so my starting weight and measurements on the report is actually a little bit lower than when I actually started 6 weeks prior to that. Honesty, right?
OK, we'll start with the weight 'cause that's what everyone wants to know, right? Starting weight 236.40. Weight on 6/12/09 217.7lbs for a total weight loss of 18.7lbs. (24lbs. since the very beginning - yeah me!) My BMI (which I think is just a tool that the government uses to keep women in their place) down from 39.3 to 36.2. Now for the body fat. Yuck. This is definitely the most embarrassing part. It started out at 44%. That, to me, is completely unacceptable. That's almost half my body weight as fat. Disgusting. It is now down to 42%. Not a lot, I know. But it's a start.
My measurements have gone down too. Bust -2", Waist -3", Abdomen -4.75", Hips -4", Thighs -2", Arm -1". That may not seem like a lot, but it adds up to a total of 16.75" lost. So all in all, I'm pretty pleased with myself. I know I've still got a long (LONG) way to go, but when I'm seeing results it motivates me to want to lose more.
So stay tuned. My next report is due July 10. I'm hoping to have lost another 5 - 8lbs. by then. But I also have a two week vacation coming up right in the middle of that, so we'll see.

Summertime Blues

Today is June 2. That means that in my hometown it is the last day of school. I took my kids to school this morning and all the teachers were walking around with a slightly dazed but wondrous look on their faces. Like they couldn't believe they were actually being released from jail. The kids, naturally, were nuts. It was like some deranged zookeeper had fed all the howler monkeys Red Bull. Crazy! But, alas, all I could feel was dread.
Now, don't get me wrong, I am very much looking forward to spending more time with my kids and going on vacation and generally just living easy for the next couple of months. But I can't help but wonder - 'what is all this easy living going to do to my diet?' I hate using the word diet, because I have tried very hard not to be on one. I think that just by putting yourself on a diet you are setting yourself up for failure because eventually you are going to have to go off that diet. But I have used the word here for lack of a better term.
I suppose what I have really accomplished over the last few months is a new way of eating, and living too, I suppose. And, not to pat myself on the back too much, but I'm pretty proud of myself. Sure I have lost weight very (very) slowly. But I have also built more muscle and exercise endurance and I have gotten my body to the point that if I happen to have a glass of wine or a piece of birthday cake, I don't instantly gain five pounds. To me that's pretty awesome. But now I'm wondering, 'Is it all for naught? Is all the hard work I've put in over the past six months going to be lost over a few weeks of laziness?"
Summertime is hard on a diet. It means ice cream on the deck, and hot dogs and hamburgers, and family reunions with grandma's fried chicken, and margaritas by the pool, and the most hated of all summer diet killers - sweet tea. So what's a girl to do?
I am really afraid that the relaxed rules of the summer are going to tempt me to relax the rules of my 'diet' before I've reached my goal. I am used to getting up every morning and getting the kids ready for school then hitting the gym and then doing a 2 mile walk a few times a week to boot. It eventually became part of my schedule and a natural part of my day. I'm worried now that since I will have to make arrangements for my kids so that I can go work out (and to be honest my family and friends have been really supportive in this - but still) I will be tempted just to blow it off. How do I stay motivated when everything around me is screaming at me to take it easy?
As bad as I hate to I guess I'm just going to have to buy a clothes rack so I can start hanging my laundry on something besides my treadmill. Oh, I do hate that thing. Whoever said that the road to hell is paved with good intentions was wrong. The road to hell is on a treadmill!

Lies That Skinny People Will Tell You

* "Oh, I can just eat whatever I want and I never seem to gain any weight." Bull Shit. Unless if by 'whatever I want' you mean a pack of Marlboro's and a sugar free red bull.
* "Those Meringue Cookies are really quite good." No they're not. And everybody knows it. The only thing they have going for them is that they're fat free. And the reason they're fat free is because they are basically egg whites, a little bit of sugar, and whipped air. Who the hell wants to eat that?
* "Why in the world do you want to lose weight? You look fine." Come on. I know I'm not fine, you know I'm not fine. Let's cut the crap and just call a spade a spade. I'm fat and I could really use your support, not your patronizing. And if by telling me I look fine you are just trying to keep me in my place - well, then you are going to have to go. Sorry.
* "But you have such pretty eye/hair/toenails/whatever." Yes, I know that, but I want to have a healthy rockin' body too.
*"Once you get going the weight will just fall off." OK, I appreciate that you are trying to be supportive, but don't lie to me. I'm fat, not stupid. I know that losing weight is hard, but I'm stronger than that.

Things I Really Like

1. Curves. My Curves gym membership has been my salvation. It takes me only about 30-45 minutes a day. It's women only so it's completely non-threatening and my trainer is really great. She keeps me motivated and accountable with out being on my ass and making me feel guilty. Plus their weight-loss eating plan doesn't suck either.
2. 100 Calorie packs. Whatever brand or manufacturer, I don't care. There is something extremely satisfying about eating a whole bag of whatever. Plus the fact that I can lose weight while still eating Cheetos. Bitchin'!
3. Light Chocolate Soy Milk. Love it. I know it's not the same but it does fill in nicely for a chocolate shake when nothing else will do. Plus it's got loads of calcium and the extra soy protein makes it perfect for after workouts.
4. SPANX. Thank God for Spanx! They are not like the girdles of old that were so thick and crammed full of Lycra that by the time you actually got the damn thing on, you couldn't breath or set down, and forget about actually eating anything. No, Spanx just smooths you out so there are no bulges or bumps where there aren't supposed to be.
5. The Fashion Code. These two sisters were recently featured on the Rachael Ray Show. They have a system that takes you different body measurements (doesn't matter what size you wear) and gives you the right length jacket/sleeve/pant/necklace whatever to make you look your best.
6. Wii Fit. This has been a lifesaver for days when I couldn't get to Curves or when I just wanted a little something extra. The yoga is nice and I love the free run because I can change the feed on the screen and watch TV while I run and the remote keeps me on track. Awesome!
7. The Biggest Loser. Watching real people struggle to lose weight. Too good. And they do it in a healthy real way. Of course the workouts are exaggerated for TV (8 hours in the gym - come on.) But I can also see people who are way bigger than me have success. And I can be inspired by them. If they can do it, so can I. Maybe not as quickly or as publicly, but I can still get there.
8. Queen Latifah. How awesome is she? Did anyone see her on the American Idol Finale the other night? Holy Crap. She is a big girl and she was totally rocking a skin-tight, off the shoulder, black cat suit. And what's more she looked totally hot! Big girls can be just as hot and we don't have to hide it.
9. My Omega-3 supplement. Some times I can't always eat my daily suggested serving and it really does seem to make a difference for me, so supplement I will. Along w/ a daily multi, of course.
10. Quiet time. For me it's after my kids go to bed. Maybe I'll take a bath, or read a book, or talk on the phone with a friend, or just fold laundry in a quite peaceful manner. It doesn't matter. Just as long as there's some time in every day where I can take time, and just be quiet.

Here We Go

OK, so I'm losing weight. So, I'm like one of about a billion people out there trying to do the same thing. Why is it so damn hard? Why is it so easy to eat the 400 calorie doughnut, but so freakin' hard to run the three miles to work it off?
I don't know the answer to that. And to be honest I'm not sure anybody really does. Sure we all read books and magazine articles and watch TV shows and news specials that all claim to know the answer, but why is so often competing information. The truth is that every one is different. Our bodies are all different, and the reasons we got fat are all different, so why shouldn't the way we lose the fat be different for everybody too? Duh.
I am by no means an expert on weight loss. If I was I wouldn't be looking at my 30th birthday coming up at 220 lbs. But I am an expert on what doesn't work. For me.
Let's review what hasn't worked for me: Slim Fast (OK, but I gained the weight all back and more), Atkins (I would have ran over my grandmother for a cracker by the time it was over), The Celebrity Juice Detox (Torture), The Cabbage Soup Diet (let's just say I was not pleasant to be around for a time), Diet Pills of all Kinds (Never a good idea), Running (killed my knees), Alli (gross), MediFast (800 calories a day, what was I thinking?), Jenny Craig and/or NutriSystem (too expensive and unrealistic), Weight Watchers (too complicated). So you see, I really have tried it all. I have had limited success on a few of the plans but I always managed to gain back everything I lost and then some.
Right before I turned 29, I finally reached bottom. I just got fed up with myself. How had I let myself get this way? Well, (#1) I had two kids by the time I was 23 (the first when I was just 19). I love my kids dearly, but let's be honest - teenage motherhood is not the ideal situation. Add to that (#2) parental disapproval and (#3) marriage at 20 to a husband who works away for long stretches at a time. You could say that the deck was pretty much stacked against me emotionally. And we all know what emotional eating does.
So here I am 29 and fat. Not plus-sized or curvy or big-boned, just plain F-A-T fat. I have wasted my 20s on being fat and unhealthy. Am I going to do the same with my 30s? Hell no!
I have decided to take charge of my life and make my thirties the best decade of my life. Why should I look ahead to turning 30 with dread and humiliation, when I should be looking forward to coming into my own as a mother, a wife, and- yes- a damn fine looking woman? I'm going to be hotter at thrity than I was before I got married. Talk about a MILF. I'm bringing sexy back, baby.
Two weeks before my 29th birthday in November I weighed in at 242 pounds. Scary, huh? I even just now cringed a little bit just typing the number. What's even scarier was that I was having heart palpitations, shortness of breath, and aching joints. Not to mention zero energy. And I wasn't even 29. Something had to change.
So I took myself to my local Curves. (a gym just for the ladies) and signed up. Normally I would never have done such a thing on my own. I would have waited on a friend to join with me. But I suddenly realized that I had no more 'wait's, all I really had was weight and it had to go. Now. The first day at Curves I was surrounded by all this equipment and fast paced music and to be honest it scared the hell out of me. But then I looked around at the other women there. Some of them were older (like- your grandma old) and some of them were in really good shape and some of them not so much, but what I noticed most was that while everyone was really friendly - they didn't care about me. Not in a bad way, they just didn't care. Everyone was there for a reason and they were all so focused on their own personal struggles and goals that they just didn't have the time to care about what I looked like or what I was doing. And eventually that's what I did too.
I stopped focusing on everyone else and started focusing on myself. At first it was hard to tell my kids that I couldn't have that ice-cream with them or that they had to quit what they were doing and go to grandma's for a little while so that I could go to the gym. It was especially hard with my nine year old daughter (who happens to be super skinny - I don't even think she's mine)to explain that I was going to the gym and watching what I eat to lose weight without giving her any hangups about her own body. I eventually settled on telling her and her brother that I was just trying to get healthier so that I would have more energy and be around longer to be with them. And you know what? The more I said it, the more true it became. It stopped being some line I was feeding them do disguise my own selfishness. I realized that I had really been selfish by depriving them of the mom they should have had.
So that was then. Now it's the middle of May and I have lost 22 lbs. Slowly, yes. But that is OK. I still have about 40 more pounds to go. (yes- that will still leave me technically overweight, but maybe that's OK too. I will re-evaluate when I reach that goal.) And I am figuring out what works for me (a diet rich in Omega-3s, low fat dairy, whole grains, and vegi's and lots of cardio combined with weight training) and am proud of what I've accomplished. I am no longer ashamed of setbacks, but have learned to accept them as part of the process. I no longer think I can do this. I know I can!!! Corny, yes. But true nonetheless.