The Bitch is Back

It certainly has been a long time. Have you missed me? Of course you have. Who wouldn't miss this wit and sparkling charm? Turns out the break from journal keeping (aka blogging about my weight loss - or lack thereof as the case may be) has left my waist line a little. . . shall we say unmotivated.
Then along comes New Years. That ubiquitous fresh start. The undeniably futile resolution making. I myself have resisted New Years Resolutions in the past just for the simple fact that I don't like the feeling of self disappointment that inevitably follows. But seeing as that has worked out so well for me in the past (NOT) I thought, "What the hell!"
Now, just to be clear we are not calling anything a "Resolution". That would imply that I have some sort of resolve which to me sounds like you've had to drag yourself to doing something. I'm thinking more like a New Year's Reboot.
Yes, when I first started this journey I lost almost 40 pounds relatively easily. Yay, me! But somewhere along the way I hit a plateau and never seemed to get off. I had previously made a goal to lose another 50 pounds. Half of which I have already lost (included in the aforementioned 40 pounds) Again, yay me! So that leaves 25 more to go.
And since I have already turned the Resolution on it's ear I thought, 'Why not make it an even 30?'
I am going to Reboot my eating and exercise plans to lose 30 pounds. I am using, like about a zillion other people, NBC's Biggest Loser as a motivation and time frame. Every season I am inspired by the people who lose massive amounts of weight with what amounts to no more than diet and exercise. Yes, they lose like 10 - 20 pounds a week. An unreasonable amount for us mere mortals. They have the benefit of living on a world class fitness ranch with unbelievable trainers, nutritionists, doctors, and maybe most importantly - no kid's chicken nuggets and mac-n-cheese.
My Reboot will include 4 days of Curve's gym workouts plus 5 days of at home cardio. I've gotten myself my very own kettlebell (8 pounds) and the new Gold's Gym Cardio boxing game for the Wii and I'm actually looking forward to my extra workouts for the first time in a long time.
As far as eating goes, that is also turning out to be surprisingly easier than I imagined. After this Holiday Season I am just about as sick as sweets as any human could be. I don't think I could even think about eating another piece of cake or pie or candy even with my seemingly unsatisfiable sweet tooth. Yes, I know that won't last and probably before they even roll out the Valentine's candy I'll be raiding the pantry looking for a rogue tootsie roll. I'm going to make sure I have healthy alternatives like fruit, angle food cake, and maybe even the occasional mini York Peppermint Patty. I will also be including more vegis, which unfortunately have been sadly lacking in my diet for the past few weeks.
I've worked in a few rewards along the way like new workout clothes, trips to Sephora and so on. And the biggie, If I can manage to lose 30 pounds by the end of this season of Biggest Loser I can treat myself to a new summer wardrobe. Hey, if I lose 30 pounds I'm gonna need new threads.
Now, if you'll excuse me I've got to go Wii for the next 30 minutes. At least. See you next Tuesday!

Break On Through to the Other Side

Lately I've been pondering motivation. Like why is it such an easy concept to understand and so difficult to actually implement. I know I need to lose weight. I want to lose weight. No, I mean I REALLY want to lose weight. Not like "my diet starts first thing Monday morning." More like "I am losing weight because I am sick of living like this."
For some people motivation to lose weight comes when they see a picture of themselves and it forces them to see themselves as others do. Or worse, someone actually makes a hurtful comment. Or maybe they get an earful from their doctor, or their clothes just simply don't fit anymore.
When I first started on this journey my motivation was more of an epiphany. I simply realized that I would be turning 30 soon and I didn't want to waste any more time "going to" lose weight. Maybe the weight wouldn't come off right away, but at least I would be doing something about it.
And for me the biggest motivation is success. For every pound I lose it motivates me to lose another one. It's a good feeling to see the number on the scale going down. And like most things in life, when something feels good we want more of it.
But what happens when the scale just stops moving. True, it's not going up - and that is a very good thing. But neither is it going down. While that's not very good in and of itself, it's down right catastrophic for my motivation.
Finally, though, progress. I finally decided to buckle down and get down to business. You know what? It worked. Surprise! Surprise! I cut calories to 1200/day and upped they exercise. Way upped. I've been putting in hard circuits at the gym - pushing myself a little more each session. Also I've reintroduced walking, not just on the treadmill (which as you know is the most boring thing in the world), but outside with actual fresh air and crap.
Isn't it funny how we know the right things to do, but somehow never get around to doing them. Why is that. do you suppose? They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions. If that is true, then perhaps the opposite is true as well. The road to paradise must be paved with fresh fruit and vegetables.

Alive and Kickin'

I'm back, for those that care. And well, those that don't can go to hell. (RIP Dixie Carter). I took a little break from the blog because, well, I wanted to. No I did not take a break from my eating or exercise plans. But I might as well have for all the good it did me. Or didn't do, as the case would be.
Anyways, the long and the short of it is this. I just today broke through a 5 week (no shit- 5 week) plateau. I think 5 weeks counts more as a stall out and I think my trainer kind of did too, 'cause she suggested I get my thyroid checked. And maybe I will, but just not right now. I lost weight this week, bitches, so suck it, thyroid!
It's really amazing when you think about it, that after a weekend such as I just had that any weight at all was lost. I spent the past month tracking what I was eating like a mad person and doubling up on exercise just to see the scale mock me. Finally I get fed up and say F it and go on a weekend pleasure spree at the horse track and, Voila - plateau busted. Maybe that's what my metabolism needed all along. A swift kick in the arse.
Also said weekend has left me with a severe sunburn and a stuffy nose from what the "bubble-headed bleach blond that comes on at 5" tells me is a record breaking year for tree pollen. How very helpful. But whatever. Not gonna slow me down.
I have a Northwoods lakehouse vacation coming up in 6 weeks, followed by a week at the beach with my babies. Then later in the summer Hubby and I will be taking a second honeymoon to mark our 10th wedding anniversary. So, you see, I need to be in shape.
Last summer I had a bit of a problem staying on track. As this summer looms ahead I am determined not to let that happen again. I am going to come up with some sort of plan and - here's where the details get a little sketchy - I'm gonna stick to it. No, seriously!
Hubby has promised me a shopping trip worthy of Clinton Kelly if I can get to my goal weight and I intend to take him up on it. He's gonna be SORRY. he he he. (you can't see me, but I am greedily rubbing my hands together, while practicing my evil smirk)
Oh, and UPDATE! I killed two birds with one stone. I kicked my magazine habit and with the money I'm saving I hired a cleaning lady. I love her! She only comes once every two weeks, but man! She gets more done on that day than I manage to do the other 13. Girl is good!
So, there you have it. Nothing terribly witty or earth-shattering or even very ironic today. Just back in the groove and feeling pretty good.

Phase Two and Other Life Altering Realizations

This week, I'm on Phase Two of the Curves Weight Management Plan. This consists of (like Phase One) at least three days in the gym, plus an aerobic workout every day. Also instead of starving on 1200 calories a day, I can feast on a relatively bountiful 1500. Whoo Hoo. Who would have thought that 1500 calories a day would sound like such a cornucopia?
Of course, it's only 300 extra calories a day, but hell. I've been able to add in a few whole grains and even the occasional small baked sweet potato - luxury of luxuries! I love them suckers with a bit of spray butter and cinnamon. Mmmm!
Perversely though, my daily workouts have become a bit harder. Not a lot, but when you track your progress on a daily basis - it shows up. I don't know if this is just a natural week two progression or just some freak that will work itself out next week.
Whatever, I've felt better and had more energy this week than I'd had in a while. I've even gotten more done around the house. Almost like I had been neglecting not just my body, but every aspect of my life as well. Even my daughter commented that I seemed like I was in such a good mood this week. Funny thing is, I hadn't noticed until she said something.
Bless that child. Her and her brother are - if not my whole life - at least the most important part of my life. And I thank them because if not for them, I maybe wouldn't have the motivation to get healthier. I want to be here for them. And not just physically. I know this is incredibly shallow but I don't want to embarrass them. I don't want my kids to have "the FAT mom".
One of these days when my daughter is a doctor and my son is an NFL O-Lineman, I want them to be able to say that their mom inspired them to take care of their bodies and stay healthy. What a compliment that would be.
Besides when I get my own Campbell's Chunky Soup commercial - I want to look good!

Back in the Saddle Again

OK. I don't know if it was the goals, the tight jeans, or just the simple disgust at myself; but I am officially back in the groove. I'm almost afraid to proclaim it here, but it has been a long time coming and, damn it, I'm kind of proud of myself.
As we know, I have, um . . . slacked off . . . all this summer and paid the dreadful price. I was on target of losing about 1 -2 pounds a week. Not so much this summer. Since the last day of my kids school I have not only NOT lost anything, but may have actually managed to gain a few pounds (depending on what day of the month I weight - if you know what I mean).
So last week I put my foot down with a virtual, "I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore!!!" I recognized what my problems were this summer, (too much summer time indulgence and not enough gym time) and laid down what I planned to do about it. (more gym time, super-low calorie 1 week jump start followed by a reasonable 1600 calorie/day 'diet') And one week later . . . drum roll, please . . . It has started to work.
Today at the gym, for the third day in a row, I kicked ass. I had all the energy in the world and really turned that into a crazy good workout. And two days ago I actually made it into the green zone (a Curves term) on every machine - a result I haven't achieved since May.
Yes, I'm tooting my own horn a bit here. But maybe that's been the problem this summer. Too much time making excuses for my laziness and not enough time spent looking at the reasons why I actually deserve to succeed.
So simple, right? I deserve to succeed. I do. It's not so much that I ever thought I didn't deserve it. Just that I had never taken to time to recognize that I did. But it's true. My kids are not going to be any less well fed or dressed or loved because I take the time to take care of myself. My husband isn't going to feel any more neglected because I go to the gym. If anything the kids are thrilled because I have more energy to play out in the yard with them. They haven't been so thrilled with the salads at every dinner, but then neither am I. And my hubby certainly hasn't complained when I haven't fallen instantly asleep when my head hits the pillow every night.
The only thing I have a real gripe about is that I hate how much time I wasted. I had heard for years in every woman's magazine out there that when you take the time to take care of yourself you will really see results. And I had never paid it much attention. Why??? Who knows. It's so cliche but it's true. I have more energy now than I ever have and my moods have held pretty stable, which is a huge plus here in Mama's house.
The verdict? Like the old hair color ads, I'm worth it. The only question now is, how far will I take it? I certainly doubt that I will ever make it to Playboy model status. But I think MILF status is not out of the question.

The Wagon Drove On . . .

I didn't just fall off the wagon. I did a total belly flop and lay there breathless as the wagon rolled on without me. In fact nobody even noticed I was gone. I don't think they cared.
The month of August hasn't exactly been the easiest for me or my diet. I am not really sure what the deal is - other than the fact that I lost all will power. I thought that perhaps things would be a bit easier, what with the kids going back to school and all, but evidently not so much.
There has been much stacked against me. The State Fair and their corn dog sabotage, a friend's pig-roast with a table full of Good Ol' Southern Deserts, and a Cincinnati Reds baseball game that I enjoyed in the Luxury Box courtesy of Sara Lee Foods. I'm not trying to make excuses but more offering an explanation of what happened. No - what I let happen.
I did not have to eat the corn dog - but I did. I did not have to eat all the deserts and drink all the beer - but I did. And I certainly didn't have to eat the mammoth bratwurst on kaiser roll and super awesome guacamole dip - but I did. And to add insult to injury, I have not used my workout time to full advantage. I strained my back a few days ago putting in a stone retaining wall in my landscape. So I had to miss a couple days of my circuit training. I could have used that time to get out and enjoy some of the beautiful weather we have been having lately and taken a few nice long walks. But did I? I think you know the answer to that by now.
Now it is time to pay the piper - so to speak. I have gained a total of 3 lbs. I am not sure that this is a completely accurate figure because I am experiencing what my grandmother whisperingly refers to as "my monthly visitor". But the point is that I sure as hell haven't lost any weight this month - which sucks. Big time.
So I have wallowed in self pity for too long already. It is time to do something and not just set back and say that I have to do better. What I need is a plan.
A new weight management class starts at my gym on 9/10. I will definitely be participating in that. I am going to enjoy myself responsibly this holiday weekend. Then starting Tuesday I am going to start a 1 week diet jump start. (More on this in a couple of days.) I will go to the gym 4 days a week and walk 2+ miles 3 days a week. I will give up all pop (even diet). And I will strive for 5 servings per day of fruits and vegetables.
Hopefully in two weeks I should be completely back on track. I know it's a marathon and not a sprint. But I'm hoping that this little boost will at least give me enough energy to catch back up to the wagon.

Inspiration Station? Not So Much.

It would appear that I have lost my mojo. You see, I am not one of these miracle people who have this internal motivation. Someone who can just get out of bed throw back a cup of black coffee and a banana and actually look forward to a good hard workout. I suppose had I been born one of this alien race, I would not be in the predicament I am in today. I need the external inspiration. Desperately.
See, I am one of those profoundly normal people who must drag my sorry ass out of bed, have a Java Monster (don't worry - the lo-ball only has 100 calories for the whole can), plus my multivitamin spiked w/ green tea and egcg, and even 4oz of orange juice for the sugar rush. Then I have to rush my kids to school and hurry to the gym before my chemically induced high wears off. I plug away on stinking sweating machines, glaring across the room at the skinny new trainer with the impossibly high ass showing the correct way to use the machine. She makes it look so easy. Naturally this is not true. She is nice, but I secretly want to snap her like a twig.
Then I'm home and it's time to force feed myself some form of protein, usually a boiled egg or a cup of fat-free chocolate soy milk - my favorite. I try to get in a few loads of laundry and make the beds before I inevitably crash for a semi-comatose doze for a few minutes before the kids get off the bus. Then, of course it's homework, dinner, dishes, feed the dogs, more laundry, kids baths, my bath, fold the laundry, take a few mandatory minutes to read something completely unnecessary and self-indulgent before falling asleep -I hope- before 1:00 or 2:00am.
The thing is, a few months ago. All this seemed to be no problem. Before the end of the last school year, I seemed to have it all under control. I breezed through my daily workout, burning 500+ calories and even having enough energy to take a 3-mile walk a few times a week. And my house had never been cleaner. Now I can hardly make it up the stairs with my laundry basket and I am trying to figure out just how we can afford a cleaning lady.
The thing that pisses me off the most is that I have changed absolutely nothing. My trainer says that we all go through periodic slumps once in a while. It is natural, she says, and it will soon pass. What does she know, I think, she eats grass and tofu and weight 100lbs. She is what I imagine Satan looks like in my own personal hell. See, I think there will be a personalized hell for each of us and mine will have me too fat to move while I watch this skinny bitch supermodel stuff her face with endless cupcakes and pies and extra salty chips and never gain a pound. Worse, she will periodically, get up, step over to the scales, climb on and blithely say, "oh look, I've lost a few pounds." Yes, this will be hell. And if I am unlucky enough to end up there, this is what it will look like. Oh, and there will be bad poetry. I hate poetry.
So, what do I do? How do I find my inspiration again. I need Biggest Loser to come back on TV. I need for Kirsty Alley to lose the weight again. (although, conversely, it makes me feel worse whenever Oprah loses weight. go figure.) I need Richard Simmons to come bark in my ear every day that I can do it.
Maybe tomorrow I will wake up with a burning desire to go work out. Maybe I will wake up with enough energy to get through my day. And maybe; as my GenX hero, Wayne Campbell, often says; monkeys will fly out of my butt. Oh well. At least if that happens I will at least have lost some weight. I wonder how much a flying monkey weighs?