Confessions and Realizations

I have been toying with the idea of re-starting this blog for a while now. You see, I've gained it all back. Every. Little. Bit.
It's utterly and completely humiliating to know that I was on the right track and I couldn't keep at it. My husband tells me it's not my fault. For the past year or more I've suffered through an injury. I've had foot pain in my right foot for years and years now and it finally got to the point where I was unable to go about my daily tasks without ending in excruciating pain. So I after much reluctance I hauled myself to the doctor.
 My primary care doctor thought it was an untreated stress fracture (because what else could someone my size have?) so he ordered x-rays and sent me to an orthopedist. More x-rays and an MRI. Do you know how noisy and scary an MRI is? Turns out not broken and no major sprains or deformaties. He thinks perhaps it's tendonitis and sends me to physical therapy to strengthen the foot and ankle. That actually winds up making it worse so he sends me to an ankle specialist 2 hours away. He does yet more x-rays and another more extensive MRI. Nothing. Again. He agrees with ortho-guy that there is some tendonitis and perhaps some small fracture that's not showing up on x-ray so I get what my husband affectionately refers to as 'the kickball boot'. It's a walking cast that I get the joy of wearing around for 6 weeks. Oh, and this was during the spring and summer and I am on our local school board. So there are about 400 some kids in the area whose graduation pictures will be forever marred by my fat ass in a kickball boot on the stage handing them there diplomas. Not to mention all the times I hauled that stupid thing around to my daughters track meets all across the state. So yeah, good times. So, the boot comes off and still no improvement. In fact, it seems to be more swollen and tender than it was before. What the hell?!?! He then recommends nerve testing and starts throwing around works like 'Lupus' and 'MS' and 'ALS'.
At this point I'm terrified. I'm 34 (at the time) years old, I've got two kids and a husband who works away 6 months out of the year. This cannot be happening.
It takes me about 2 months to get in to see one of the best neurologists in the state.Meanwhile my leg had started to weaken and I was having some lower back pain which I had never had before. I had decided that I was not playing around. The neurologist, who by the way looks nothing like Derrick Sheppard but is in fact way nicer, keeps me in his office for about an hour asking me all kinds of crazy questions and wanting to know can I lift my leg this way - I can't. Can I lift my leg that way - I can. Can I walk on my toes? How about my heels? Not really on either count. Seems like something I really ought to be able to do. Can I bend over? Yes. Backwards? No. He wants to know have my hands ever gone numb. Yes. Recently? Yes.
Then he decides that Nerve Conductivity Testing is, in fact, in order. No problem, I think. Boy, was I wrong. Holy shit. Let me just say that if anyone ever wants to stick needles into your body and send electrical currents to certain points of your body all while you bend your leg this way and that - it's generally not going to end well for you. Neuro-guy informs me that we are going to do this that very day (another hour - I have never had a doctor who had basically cleared there afternoon for me and I wasn't sure if that was good or bad) The whole process did suck, as promised. But it did show that there was significant nerve damage coming from my spine, running down my leg, whereby this particular nerve (not the sciatica before anyone says that) splits behind the knee and running to both sides of my foot. So, OK that explains that. And Neuro-guy sends me to an associate, a neurosurgeon, to determine if I need surgery for said nerve problem.
I don't, thank god.
They send me to yet another associate (that's six different doctors for anyone keeping count) who is a pain management guy. I was worried before my appointment that this was going to be one of those 'pain clinics' that is basically just a pill mill. Could not have been further from the truth. This pain guy prescribes no narcotics. He is adamant about only accepting patients who are willing to do in-office injections and physical therapy. He even recommends acupuncture and yoga. My kind of doctor. I proceed to go through 3 different rounds of steroid injections in my spine. It helps a bit. Then I begin physical therapy. Again.
But this time it's different. Pain guy wants me to focus on my back (the root of the problem - so to speak) and has me doing all kinds of yoga-like stretches along with pool therapy. Now, I do feel that it is perverse to ask an overweight white woman to put on a bathing suit in the middle of winter, but at this point I was ready to try anything. And shock of shocks it seems to have worked. I have been released from PT for two weeks now and had my follow up with pain guy. He is pleased with improvement and has written my a prescription for an anti-seizure medication that works in my case by relaxing the coatings around my nerves thereby lowering the inflammation. It is also working. I could not be more pleased considering the fact that my next option was a surgical spinal stimulator implant that is kind of like a pace maker for your spine. It works by running tiny electrical currents up and down a particular nerve to scramble the pain signals it sends to your brain.
So I can totally see where my husband is coming from when he says that my recent weight gain is not my fault. But I know the truth. It is totally my fault. Yes, I was laid up and unable to exercise for the better part of 18 months. No, I did not have to eat everything in sight. And boy did I? The less anyone was able to tell me what was wrong with me the more I ate. And the more they tossed around scary diagnoses that couldn't possibly have anything to do with me the more I ate. And the bigger I got the more I ate. And on and on and on.
But that is not even the worst part.
I've known for a while now that my son has been sneaking food. We're talking cookies and candy and granola bars and all the stuff he shouldn't have.
He's overweight. He knows it. I know it. His pediatrition is more than aware. The only person who doesn't seem to be aware is my husband, but that's a whole other issue. I mean, the kid is 5'6" and 175lbs. He'll be twelve at the end of the month. Just today we had to go buy him new shorts because the only ones he had that fit him were stretchy-type gym shorts. And I get it, kids grow. I want him to grow - taller. He's clearly already big enough. And he knows he's a big kid and it bothers him. Quite a lot, actually.
So we've joined a gym. Now that I am capable of working out again I realized just how much I had missed it. Sure it sucks balls and it hurts and I leave the gym sweating and crying and smiling all at the same time. But The Boy seems to love it. He's in a Kids Fit Class which is kind of like a Zumba meets soccer drills meets yoga situation for kids. He also has fallen in love with the elliptical machine. All to the good, I think.
So imagine my surprise when I set down on the couch with my box of Trader Joe's Gluten Free Oreo-thingys was half way gone. What the hell! Now, I know it wasn't The Girl because she doesn't like them. And I know it wasn't The Husband because he's gone. And I know it wasn't me because I just opened the box and carefully had 3 cookies. So it must be The Boy.
Why would he do this, I wonder. He knows better. We've talked about nutrition. The trainer at the gym has talked about nutrition. We've even talked about how it's perfectly OK to have a few cookies or a piece of candy as a treat as long as everything else you've eaten has been on track. I don't want him to ever think he has to be on ' A Diet'. I want him to think in terms of what he can eat rather than what he can't. But 14 cookies is certainly not on the Eat This list. I mean anybody knows that. He's not some mindless toddler just cramming anything he can get his hands on into his mouth. He knows this! We've been over this! Again, what the hell!
And then it hits me. I know that eating things I should not eat is what got me here in the first place and yet I did it anyway. I know that I can almost never stop at just one cookie and yet I buy them anyway. I knew that since I was unable to exercise my eating habits were going to be even more important. And yet? I ate all the food anyway.
Duh!
He is my son afterall. We say all the time, "Do as I say, not as I do." But every grown-up in America knows just what a cop out that is. It doesn't sound credible even to us. So how can we expect it to sound credible to our kids?
So there you have it. I have not only made myself fat. Again. I have made my son fat as well. I'd love to tell you that I have some magic plan of just how exactly I intend to remedy it but the truth is I haven't a clue. I know that we will be eating better and getting to the gym more as a family. But those are just words. Action will tell.
I guess I have no other excuses now. I've really done it this time.

My Life Monday - Accountability

I know, like everyone else in the world, that when you're trying to lose weight it is super duper important to track your food and exercise. You've got to keep a food diary and you've got to write down everything.
Every. Freakin'. Bite.
There will come a time when you think you've got it licked and you don't need to write it all down anymore. You will be wrong.
If food is your problem - and god knows it is mine - you have to take away food's power. Yes, I know I sound like Dr. Phil, but it's true and it's taken me a long time to get here so listen. You gave food all the power to make you happy or make you feel better or occupy you while you watch TV. Now you are going to give food the power to fuel your body and make yourself healthy.
I am not saying that you can't enjoy your food - far from it. Because, listen, I really really really like my food. I like to cook it, I like to read about it and write about it, and heaven knows I like to eat it. And I don't see that changing anytime soon. To think otherwise would be ridiculous and unrealistic.
However, by writing everything down I am held accountable. Not so much for what I am eating but why I am eating it.
"Oooohhhh, cookies!"
"Do I really want to eat that cookie?"
"I'm going to have to write it down if I do."
"Do I really want to look at that on my report?"
"Hmmm? Maybe I'll just wait and see if I still want that cookie in an hour."
Sometimes I do, and if it isn't going to wreck my calories for the day then I go ahead and eat the cookie. And write it down. And move on.
And sometimes I don't even want the cookie. I know. . . Mind Blown!
I've tried Weight Watchers. Didn't care for it. Too much math and pressure and math. And I've tried keeping a notebook with me and writing everything down manually. And I've tried pre-printed calorie counting journals. None of it worked .
Then The Captain got me the Kindle Fire for Christmas and I downloaded the myfitnesspal app. I am in love. This thing is so easy.

Seriously go to my fitness pal and set up your free account. It could not be easier!

I input all my food for the day (this thing has, like, all the foods and their nutritional info) and all my exercising and it calculates everything for me and gives me my own customized little daily report.  And you can get weekly and monthly reports for everything including food, exercise, and progress.
And my very most favorite thing of all is that after you have added all your info for the day you get a little graphic that says : If every day were like today you would weight X pounds in 5 weeks. Talk about a real motivator. Incredible!

Is She or Isn't She?

It happened to me the other day.
At the grocery store.
By two dudes, no less.
The question, whispered betwixt them, was, "Is she pregnant?"
GASP!
The answer, of course, is "Ummm. . .NO!"
Not for a while now. Sure, I'm still carrying around some (a lot) of baby weight.
OK, maybe that's not such a valid excuse anymore, since my "baby" is busy planning his eighth birthday party. Star Wars, in case you were wondering, which he assures me is going ot be "wicked good!" But still, did they really have to go there?
Those two ass-hats totally ruined my day. My week. My life.
And do you want to know the worst part? I let them.
I let those douchbags (who btw, were two dudes in cowboy boots buying diet Coke and Lean Cuisine - just sayin') effect how I thought about myself.
What the hell kind of brain fart was that?
OK, so Brokeback thought I was pregnant. So what? Am I? No. Do I look like it? Possibly.
Yes, I'm fat. I get it. I'm OK with that because I'm working on it. I'm not just setting around on my non-pregnant ass.
And the next time I see those guys around town hopefully they will realize just how awesome I am. They better recognize. And failing that; I've been working out and I don't care to hit a dude.

Fat Tuesday

It seems that in the spirit of my Biggest Loser themed weight loss re-boot, I have chosen Tuesdays to be my weigh-in/evaluation day. After week 1 I have a lot to report.

Since I believe in sharing bad news first I will willingly disclose that I have not lost any weight. Nope. Not one ounce. Why am I not suicidal, you ask? Well, for one, I didn't gain anything either. And after the sugar fest that was my Holiday Season no gain is a good thing. I can live with no weight loss for now because even though the scale is not going down, I am moving forward.
I have added a few new tools to my repertoire. If you've read for any amount of time you know that I'm all about my Curve's workout. I love the circuit training and the aerobic/strength training intervals. Plus, as evidenced by the p

icture over there, I'm a freak for my hula hoop. 5 pound hula hoop to be exact. I've done all kinds of exercises over the years and nothing, NOTHING!, has strengthened my core like the weighted hula hoop.
But even with all those amazing workout options I was stuck in a bit of a rut. What to do, what to do? Watching the season premier of Biggest Loser last week gave me my first inspiration. Kettle Bells! I liked the fact that they come in all different weights; and while I've used a variety of free weights for a while now, I like that they offer a bit more of a challenge. My kettle bell from Danskin came with a DVD (which is OK) and a sheet with a set of 6 moves (which I love) It also helped that this months issue of Shape magazine featured Jillian Michaels herself's favorite kettle bell moves. I really really like the k

ettle bell for my arms. The triceps have never looked better.
Next I added in yoga. I had done a bit of informal yoga off and on for years but nothing major. I wasn't what you'd call "into it". Consider me converted. My gym has added a twice a week yoga class and so far I'm loving it! Turns out I'm not as flexable as I thought I was, but I can already tell a difference. My back and my hamstrings have already loosened up and my downward facing dog is starting to look more like a utilitarian hunting do and less like a lumbering mastiff. I'm shooting for greyhound, but that may take a while.
So now I had taken care of the mind and the body, but my eating still wasn't quite what it needed to be. And you all know how I feel about diets. . . I just needed something to get me back on track and help to remind me to make better choices. It has never really been what I eat so much as it has been how I ate it. I tend to go off track on sweets and portion control. I needed something that would let me include all my favorites (including sweets) as long as I kept track and stayed within reason. I had done Weig

ht Watchers before and had some success - in fact I have kept off every pound I lost the first time I did Weight Watchers - so I thought, why not? I signed up for 3 months of Weight Watchers Online. I just started on Sunday and so far I have found it really easy to keep track of what I'm eating and where I'm having a bit of trouble. Hopefully I will have an even better report for you next week.
They are calling for snow for the rest of the week though, so I make now promises. I still manage to get in a decent workout between my WiiFit, Wii boxing, kettle bell, and at-home yoga. But no school means no gym time for Momma. I think that I really do better with the structured schedule of a gym. What about you? Are you disciplined enough to get a full workout at home or do yo need the external structure of the gym? What is your favorite at-home workout when you're stuck at home?